Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Yesterday

~*Disclaimer: This post contains discussion of breastfeeding and breastmilk. 
If you don't want to read about that, then don't!*~


Well, so after I had my little pity party on the blog yesterday I decided that I needed to get out of the house.  I drug myself to the gym for the first time since I was pregnant.  During my pregnancy I did water aerobics about 3 times a week.  I was the youngest one by a good 30 years, and some of the women were in their 80's!  They were so sweet to me while I was pregnant, and it was so fun to have a group of older women that I could ask all my mommy questions to!  I had ruptured discs in my back during my pregnancy, and I had back surgery when James was exactly 6 weeks old. Between the recovery from surgery and some other things that happened before James got sick, I just had not been back.  I know.  Slacker.

So yesterday afternoon I went to the gym.  I got on the elliptical and made it the whole 30 minutes.  It was awful, not going to lie.  But I finished, and went back today and did it again.  It's amazing how much better I feel when I get the endorphins going.  Everytime I hear the word "endorphins" I think about Legally Blonde.  Does anyone else think that?!  I might have watched that movie a few too many times...like every night before I went to bed my entire sophomore year in college.

I came home, and then the Mother's Milk Bank of North Texas called me to set up a time for me to bring in the milk I was donating.  They suggested yesterday afternoon.  I knew it was coming- I had applied and had a blood test already.  But for some reason it was so hard for me to actually follow through and donate the milk.

Like I said before, James was strictly breastfed.  He was so into the boobie that he refused to take a bottle.  Ever.  I mean he would throw them across the room when he was older.  When he was younger, he would clamp his mouth shut and refuse to open it.  Then he would cry and cry.  When I had my back surgery, he had to take a bottle.  I was on so much medication and anesthesia that I had to pump and dump.  So my mom got him to take a bottle by cutting a hole in her shirt, spilling milk all around it and pretended he was getting the boobie.  It didn't work at first, but he finally got hungry enough that he ate.  Have you ever seen a 6 week old baby glare at you?  Well, I have.  James was so mad when I came home and wouldn't feed him!  It just broke my heart!

So the whole time he was in the hospital, I pumped with the industrial grade pump that the hospital has.  Wow, that pump is ridiculous.  Each time we were discharged from the hospital, I came home with bags of frozen milk.  After James died, I knew that I needed to donate the milk.  It doesn't do any good sitting in my freezer.  And I know that it will help a baby in the NICU who really needs the milk.  But a part of me just didn't want to give it away.

So yesterday I pulled up to Baylor hospital and gave all my frozen milk away.  I think the lactation nurse was a little confused why a woman with no baby and no car seat in the car would be giving her milk, but she didn't ask any questions. 

After that I dropped by my sweet friend Monica's house (who is expecting twin boys!  I'm so excited! :) ) to say hi, and then Matthew and I went out to the cemetery to see James.  Honestly, I don't really like going out there.  I know that some people find a tremendous amount of comfort going to the cemetery.  I am just not one of those people.  I think it upsets me more than comforts me.

So yesterday still was hard.  But we got through it.  Below is a video that my Dad took of James right before his big craniotomy.  I think he says "momma" in it!  It's the only time I ever heard him say anything close to it, and it makes me cry everytime I watch it.  But- crying in a good way.  I'm so thankful that I can hear his sweet little voice.  One of my biggest fears is that I thought I might never get to hear him say that.  I hope you enjoy! (And like every other picture/video from the hospital- I am not looking my best.  I'm self-conscious about it, but I'm trying to get over that so ya'll can see more of Jamesie!)

video

26 comments:

  1. That video made me cry! He did say Momma! So sweet! I love how intently he is looking into your eyes! Thanks for sharing Jamesie with us!

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  2. Hi Kara- I've been following your blog for several weeks. I was a ZTA at Baylor a few years before you were there. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we have been and are continuing to pray for y'all. I am so sorry about the loss of James. He was a beautiful baby!

    Sincerely,
    Jennifer Enochs Taylor

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  3. I always think of legally blond too! I have to say how impressed I am that you not only got out of bed on a day like yesterday, but you got up and blessed a baby and family that you've never met by donating your milk. God is still using you and James to touch lives! Love you sweet friend.

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  4. I am so glad that out of this tragedy you were able to bless some sweet little NICU babies. I am a bit of a nursing fanatic, so thank you for making my heart happy today.

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  5. Clearly he says "Mama", no sweeter words can ever be spoken to a Mommy!! I'm so glad that you have that video!

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  6. Don't even doubt it. That was "mama" for sure!

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  7. Most definitely a "Mama" there, no doubt about it. How precious.

    xxMB

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  8. Definitely said Mama - and right on cue. Pretty smart boy!!

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  9. That was clear as day! What a precious video. He is just the sweetest little guy!

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  10. I am with everyone else! He definitely said Momma! So so precious!

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  11. Aw I heard "Mama"! What a sweet video (made me cry) you can see the love from you to him & him to you.

    You are so strong. Truly an inspiration.

    I have been following for a couple weeks now - and I have wanted to comment but couldn't find the words.

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  12. i heard mama too!!! nothing sweeter!!!

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  13. Love this post! I couldn't help but laugh when you talked about your mom getting him to take a bottle after your surgery & then I couldn't help but cry watching your video... there was most definitely a "mama" there!! I, too, had surgery when my little man was a few months old from complications I had during my labor (thankfully he was our last of three) so I can completely relate to the pump & dump method. You're so super sweet to donate your milk to help another baby, I completely commend you!

    I think it's great you're going back to the gym & so awesome you did 30 minutes on the elliptical... I've tried that machine & I don't even last 5 minutes. LOL!

    God Bless You & Matthew! You two are so strong & inspirational to so many reading your posts. I look forward to the next post & more pictures/ videos of your sweet angel! Lots of love to you both!

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  14. That was definitely a "mama" in the video. I'm so happy that you not only got to hear that word but also that you have it on video.

    You are a very strong woman. Your posts continually reduce me to tears, as I can not imagine what you are going through. But you carry on so strong.

    Also, for some reason, every time I visit your site, "Forget Me Not" by the Civil Wars comes on. It seems so fitting.

    p.s. I took my son to the zoo this past weekend (his first time) and I told my husband that we needed to get him a stuffed animal from there, and without knowing anything about this blog or your Jamesie, he shouted "Giraffe! We have to get him a giraffe!" James is everywhere.

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  15. What a sweet video to cherish forever.

    What a gift to give someone else your breastmilk. Your family is in my continued prayers. I sent in my name request last week. Blessings.

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  16. This was a wonderful thing for you to do for a baby in need

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  17. This is such a beautiful video you have. Brought me to tears. What a sweet, sweet boy.

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  18. Following your story has made me a better mom - because I know that you would be more patient and loving and positive with your sweet James. Katie and I thank you for that gift!

    James has a sweet little voice with a big, loud message :)

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  19. He definitely said mama :-), such a sweet boy.

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  20. No "think" there - that was clear as a bell!! Such a beautiful boy. I can only imagine how difficult it was to donate your milk, but what a blessing for another child. You are amazing!

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  21. Just wanted to let you know I think about Jamesie almost every day. Thank you for sharing him with us.

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  22. That was definitely a "mama"! This video is so sweet. Jamesie was so lucky to be SO loved!

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  23. Definitely sounded like mama to me! He brings tears to my eyes without fail when I watch his videos.
    Kara, you are beautiful! Please, don't ever feel self conscious. Your love is shining down on James, it radiates from you in this video. There couldn't be anything more beautiful to me.

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  24. Beautiful! That "ma-ma" was crystal clear! As far as your "appearance" goes, you look like an amazing mother who was selflessly spending all of her time and energy doing everything she could to take care of her son and comfort him in the hospital. Not much time for mascara and a curling iron when your baby is in the hospital -- no one expects you to look camera-ready! Jamesie loved you unconditionally and the way he looks at you is so precious.

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  25. Oh Kara, you look absolutely beautiful, and the love that Jamesie and you share is just shining through this video. This video has brought tears to my eyes...And good for you for sticking with breastfeeding even through your back surgery, and then donating the milk! Big hugs to you from London.

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