Yesterday

~*Disclaimer: This post contains discussion of breastfeeding and breastmilk. 
If you don't want to read about that, then don't!*~

Well, so after I had my little pity party on the blog yesterday I decided that I needed to get out of the house.  I drug myself to the gym for the first time since I was pregnant.  During my pregnancy I did water aerobics about 3 times a week.  I was the youngest one by a good 30 years, and some of the women were in their 80's!  They were so sweet to me while I was pregnant, and it was so fun to have a group of older women that I could ask all my mommy questions to!  I had ruptured discs in my back during my pregnancy, and I had back surgery when James was exactly 6 weeks old. Between the recovery from surgery and some other things that happened before James got sick, I just had not been back.  I know.  Slacker.

So yesterday afternoon I went to the gym.  I got on the elliptical and made it the whole 30 minutes.  It was awful, not going to lie.  But I finished, and went back today and did it again.  It's amazing how much better I feel when I get the endorphins going.  Everytime I hear the word "endorphins" I think about Legally Blonde.  Does anyone else think that?!  I might have watched that movie a few too many times...like every night before I went to bed my entire sophomore year in college.

I came home, and then the Mother's Milk Bank of North Texas called me to set up a time for me to bring in the milk I was donating.  They suggested yesterday afternoon.  I knew it was coming- I had applied and had a blood test already.  But for some reason it was so hard for me to actually follow through and donate the milk.

Like I said before, James was strictly breastfed.  He was so into the boobie that he refused to take a bottle.  Ever.  I mean he would throw them across the room when he was older.  When he was younger, he would clamp his mouth shut and refuse to open it.  Then he would cry and cry.  When I had my back surgery, he had to take a bottle.  I was on so much medication and anesthesia that I had to pump and dump.  So my mom got him to take a bottle by cutting a hole in her shirt, spilling milk all around it and pretended he was getting the boobie.  It didn't work at first, but he finally got hungry enough that he ate.  Have you ever seen a 6 week old baby glare at you?  Well, I have.  James was so mad when I came home and wouldn't feed him!  It just broke my heart!

So the whole time he was in the hospital, I pumped with the industrial grade pump that the hospital has.  Wow, that pump is ridiculous.  Each time we were discharged from the hospital, I came home with bags of frozen milk.  After James died, I knew that I needed to donate the milk.  It doesn't do any good sitting in my freezer.  And I know that it will help a baby in the NICU who really needs the milk.  But a part of me just didn't want to give it away.

So yesterday I pulled up to Baylor hospital and gave all my frozen milk away.  I think the lactation nurse was a little confused why a woman with no baby and no car seat in the car would be giving her milk, but she didn't ask any questions. 

After that I dropped by my sweet friend Monica's house (who is expecting twin boys!  I'm so excited! :) ) to say hi, and then Matthew and I went out to the cemetery to see James.  Honestly, I don't really like going out there.  I know that some people find a tremendous amount of comfort going to the cemetery.  I am just not one of those people.  I think it upsets me more than comforts me.

So yesterday still was hard.  But we got through it.  Below is a video that my Dad took of James right before his big craniotomy.  I think he says "momma" in it!  It's the only time I ever heard him say anything close to it, and it makes me cry everytime I watch it.  But- crying in a good way.  I'm so thankful that I can hear his sweet little voice.  One of my biggest fears is that I thought I might never get to hear him say that.  I hope you enjoy! (And like every other picture/video from the hospital- I am not looking my best.  I'm self-conscious about it, but I'm trying to get over that so ya'll can see more of Jamesie!)