Tuesday, August 30, 2011

10 months ago

James would have been 10 months old yesterday.  I miss him so much.  I literally woke up crying yesterday.  I just want my baby back.

I know a ton of people who had babies within 2 weeks on either side of James's birthdate.  I can't bear to look at any of their pictures.  I can't even fathom James doing the things that their children are doing now.  Some are talking.  Some are walking.  Some are eating real solid food.


video

I really just want my baby back.  I started classes last night, and all I could think about was that I wanted to be home with my sweet boy instead of sitting in that lecture hall.  I really wish I could change the past.

The last 2 weeks I have barely been able to stop crying.  I guess it's finally hitting me now.  For some reason, it seems that it is all getting harder and harder instead of easier.  Maybe because the phone calls are less, the cards are fewer and the house is achingly quiet these days.  I miss James.  I miss him so much.  I guess nothing is ever going to change that or take that away.

I guess this is what the new "normal" is. 

32 comments:

  1. My heart aches for you. As I read your post, this verse came to mind:

    "Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed,
    Because His compassions fail not.
    They are new every morning,
    Great is Your faithfulness.
    The Lord is my portion, says my soul,
    Therefore I hope in Him." - Lamentations 3:22-24

    Praying that you will find comfort in God's unending mercies each day.

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  2. Kara, I cannot imagine your world at the moment, but please know that even though we may not post a comment or send a card, you are in our thoughts and prayers. You are taking a step toward healing by starting this new academic pursuit and I am so awed by your strength. I hope that some day, you will be able to research this ugly tumor and find a way to stop it for other children like Jamesie. Wouldn't that be a blessing? You know Jamesie had a special purpose in God's plan and he would be so proud of his sweet momma for tackling this challenge!!

    You take care of yourself and know that your blog friends/family are keeping you in our prayers.

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  3. My heart breaks for you. There are no words. Just prayers lots of them coming.

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  4. Kara, I think of you everyday. I look for your posts everyday. My heart aches for you. There are no words to tell you how sorry I am you lost your sweet James. I can only pray for you that you will find peace in days ahead. Just know that there are many of us thinking of you and praying for you and hoping your new "normal" gets easier, and you find peace. Hugs to you!!

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  5. I have been following James' story since his diagnosis, and I haven't commented before because my words seemed so inadequate. But I just wanted you to know that this stranger from TN prays for you and your husband and aches for what you've lost. I pray that peace will come and make the "new normal" easier to bear.

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  6. Sweet Kara, I believe that "normal" can be redefined every day. I read a blog recently (can't recall it now but will send it to you when I find it) that made the argument that pain is for the strong. Pain doesn't necessarily mean that God is punishing us, nor does it mean that he's going to swoop down and instantly make it all better. Sometimes, we just have to plod through it, one aching step at a time. On the other side of the pain, though, we're that much closer to him. I love you, sweet friend.

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  7. I read your blog every day and have not stopped praying. I have loved watching your videos of James. I can't begin to imagine the immense pain you're feeling. Please know that you continue to be on so many peoples' minds.

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  8. Hello Kara, I also have been following your blog since the news story. I visit "you & James" everyday to see how are you, though I know these are the most grueling days for you. I cry as I read, I cry as I stare at your beautiful son and I cry as I write. I think of you two often, randomly in the day, suddenly as I wash dishes or make the bed. I think of how hurt your heart is, the pain and suffering you feel awake and Im sure even in your dreams. I wish I could comfort you, hug you or just cry with you.
    I visit everyday to learn more about James. I want to see more pics and hear about the little things that made James, James. You wrote before on how you love to speak of him and hope to be asked about him. I truly hope you continue to tell us about your precious son. We want to know.
    I dont know you but I love you..for the wonderful mother you are and the strength you still find to share your feelings, happy & sad.
    I pray for you and your husband.

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  9. I wish there was something I could say or do to help ease your pain. I think of James and you and your husband daily. I pray for you daily also. My heart is so heavy. I love seeing all the pictures and videos of James...just so precious! Thank you for sharing James with us and for sharing your feelings with us also. Hugs and prayers always with you.

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  10. James is not forgotten nor is your pain. My heart breaks along with you. I give thanks that God's mercies are new every day and there is hope for a brighter day in the future. For now, just remember that when I read your words, you never cry alone.

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  11. Praying for you today and often. Praying that you would feel God with you in the pain and be able to feel His comfort as He cries with you. I can only imagine the ache that sits within you in this "new normal". You are stronger then you know...and sometimes strength is best displayed in being able to embrace pain, sorrow, grief, and tears. May God be the lifter of your heads this week.

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  12. Oh MYLANTA! Your pain rips my heart in two! I literally feel nauseous from the rawness of it all! I want to send you an avalanche of cards, a hurricane of phone calls... but none of it will do ANY good. None of it will bring back James. I ache for you in spite of the fact that I don't even know you. I pray that God will hold you tight. My finite weak little eyes canNOT see how, but my big, huge, overflowing soul BELIEVES that God WILL carry you through this. Hang on girl! Just hang on!

    He knows your pain... He sees your agony... He CARES...

    May His comfort FLOOD over you today!

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  13. Hi,
    I have only recently started reading your blog and I am so, so sorry for your loss and your pain. I may have commented already, but I can't remember. I lost my baby boy in June shortly after he was born. I know the heartbreak of losing a child. I also know what it feels like to feel like your life is on pause as you try to grieve and the rest of the world seems to move on. And some may, but there are always people that will think of and remember your sweet boy and his fight. I too often wish that I could go back and change things, but I know that none of it is in my control. Which is sometimes comforting and sometimes not! The only thing that I find comfort is in knowing that Jesus is rocking my little boy and that I will get to see him again someday. Praying for your family and your broken hearts.

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  14. Kara,
    My heart aches for you and I think of you often. Praying for strength, comfort and tender mercies as you are walking in your new normal. Thank you for sharing your precious son and your heart with us.

    Walking with you in spirit and praying for you,

    Lisa

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  15. I find your posts to be amazing and I so love seeing the videos and pics of little James. You have so many people that don't know you that care so very much. I continue to pray daily for both you and your husband. Thank you so very much for sharing your beautiful son with us through your posts, Kara. Much love being sent to you from Kansas! ♥

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  16. I echo each of these comments. I think of u and your hubby everyday and include u in my players at night. You have incredible strength and courage and are an inspiration to every mommy out in this world. We all can learn from you and James will never be forgotten as he'll live through your kind actions and in all of our hearts forever. He was an awfully blessed little man to have the two of you as parents.. Hugs, love, and prayers from Missouri!

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  17. Kara, I am a friend of a friend and have been following your blog and praying for your family since the beginning of July. I wish that I could take just a little bit of your pain away, I would do that for you in a heartbeat. Know that you are in the hearts and prayers of perfect strangers in Austin. May God grant you peace.
    ~ The Robinsons

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  18. i read each of your posts, and while doing so i pray the lord continues to comfort you and gives you strength. my heart aches for your loss.

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  19. My heart is just broken for you and Matthew. I found your blog through a friend and you've been on my mind ever since.

    James will never be forgotten. I can't look at a baby without seeing his sweet face. I pray every day for you and your family. I wish there was something, anything I could say or do to make this easier for you to bear. If there was I would do it in a heartbeat.

    As another reader said, when I read your words, you never cry alone.

    Praying the Lord gives you peace and strength.

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  20. Kara, how I wish all the love and support from those you know, but also all these strangers, who strange as it may sound, have grown to feel a love for you and Matthew, and especially dear sweet precious James, could lift you from this despair and blot out your pain. How I wish for just one moment you could hold him again. I watch my son sleeping and realize how tenuous our hold on life can be, how I cannot begin to imagine my world without him, and I feel just sick with grief for you. You are so brave, so strong. I would give up, I know I would. I think of you every day, I show James to just about everyone, I smile as I show them his marvelous hair. You made a perfect child, and how I wish rhabdoid tumors never existed. Somehow after learning about James the world doesn't seem right to have such a precious boy gone. Praying for God's hand to hold you up now, and ease the pain of your broken heart.

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  21. Kara,
    I found your blog randomly and have sat up for the past 2 hours reading every word. I have stopped to cry several times and to pray for you. I wish I had some words of comfort. I don't. But know that I am praying for you, for the Lord to be closer to you now than ever before, to comfort you, and to pour out more blessings on you than you can even hold.
    Snuzi

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  22. Oh Kara, in my grief journey it got a lot harder as well. I think it is because you are overwhelmed with support for the first little while, and then...people kind of pick up and go on with the world while yours has stopped spinning and you so desperately wish everyone would acknowledge that. Huge hugs to you, and lots of love and light.

    P.S. - Will be making the donation to James' fund from the Stella & Dot Fundraiser very soon!!!

    xo.

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  23. Thank you for sharing James's story, pictures,and video. I stop by almost every day to pray for you and your family in your grief and cry every time. I wish I could take away your pain and restore your son to you, healthy and whole. Each day of pain brings you closer to the day you will be reunited and I have faith he is praying for you, too. I admire you so much for going back to school to see what you can do about researching for a cure for those tumors. I'm thinking about doing that, too, because of your son.

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  24. Oh, sweet Kara. I am praying for you and all the other mamas & daddies with empty arms longing to hold their little ones. It is because of you, and them, that I truly cherish every.single.minute. with my three sons.

    Always thinking of you, always praying.

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  25. You don't know me - but I simply wanted to say peace be with you.

    Your love shines so brightly for your son.

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  26. Dear Kara and Matthew -
    I woke up yesterday morning with James on my mind....out of the blue. I know the Lord put you on my heart to pray for you both....

    As the letters and calls and meals slow down...as they always do, please know that we are still thinking of you, and we are still praying for you.

    James Camden Sikes made us all a little more joyful for Heaven, the little man with the amazing smile and the awesome hair. :)

    Know that our Lord is with you always, and He will be enough.
    With love,
    ~ Jean Marie

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  27. Oh Kara,

    I wish you knew how many people are thinking and praying for you. People that have never even met you or heard your full story. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you or your sweet family and my heart just aches for you. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but I can say that I pray so that God will ease your pain in some way and give you some sort of comfort. I'm pretty sure it won't ever be easy to be without James, he was too special. I'm so glad they named the giraffe after him, hopefully that will become a happy way to think of him and remember him.

    I'll be sending love and prayers your way. You're so strong and are still an amazing mother.

    -Jen

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  28. Dear Kara,

    This has been a year of loss for me, and I cannot begin to express how you/Matthew & James have inspired me to embrace a more positive outlook on life, even in the face of unimaginable sadness & grief.

    Praying for you always.

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  29. Although there have been many blessings throughout James' battle - we all would rather you have your sweet boy in your own arms. Know you are are in our hearts and we are praying for you still. Love you girl.

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