Tuesday, August 16, 2011

1 month ago

1 month ago today I was holding James.  He was struggling, but he was still here and in my arms.  2 months ago he was fine.  Or what I thought was fine.  He and I were throwing a ball back and forth across the living room.  James was somewhat unstable as he threw the ball, but I just thought that it was normal that he wouldn't be able to sit still.  He had sat still before, but for some reason I just didn't see it.  Looking at the videos now, it is all so clear.  Gosh, I just had no idea then. 

I miss my baby.  I miss him so much.  I miss giving him baths.  I miss walking into his room in the morning and seeing his smiling face.  I miss changing his diaper.  It took me 2 weeks to finally change the diaper genie.  For some reason I just couldn't do it.  And now I have no reason to even have a diaper genie.

I miss everything.  Today especially is hard.  It's 12:00 and I haven't taken a shower or gotten dressed.  I've had this rule that every day I have to take a shower by noon.  Otherwise I might stay in my pajamas all day and that doesn't accomplish anything.  But today is different.  I just can't make myself do it today. 

I haven't hardly touched his room at all.  My friend Cathryn and I cleaned it and organized it.  But it looks exactly the same as if he were still living in it.  Sometimes I just go into his room and sit in the rocker.  So many memories in that rocker.  It's where I fed him every night before he went to sleep.  So many stories read.  So many hours just rocking him in that rocker. 

I've held other babies.  The feeling of longing doesn't go away though.  No other baby could ever take his place.  I had a dream a few weeks ago that I had just given birth to a little girl.  And I just hated her.  Absolutely hated her.  Everything she did, I hated her.  And who hates their child?  But I did.  With every toy she played with, with every laugh, I thought to myself (in the dream) that James didn'd do that.  As she got older, past the age that James had passed away, I just kept thinking that James wouldn't have been that way.  He wouldn't have acted how she acted.

I asked my counselor about it (who is wonderful and is really helping me during this time) and he said that I probably had this dream because there isn't a replacement for James.  For me, the thought of another child is just trying to replace my perfect baby.  And that doesn't mean that I will always feel that way, but I do right now. 

So, sweet James, there will never be a replacement for you.  He is never far from my thoughts.  Every time I get in the car I think of the car seat that should be there.  Every time I go to the grocery car, I catch myself reaching for the shopping cart cover that he will sit in.  Every time I see his play group friends playing, I think that he should be there.  And although my friends are amazing at including me in the "normal" things that I was a part of, its still hard. 

So today is a hard day.  Today is one of those days that it's a choice to take a shower.  And it's a choice to get up and do something.  I don't know what that "something" will be.  I might go to the cemetery- I've only been once since we buried him.  I'm not sure.  Thanks so much for all your prayers and support- especially today.

22 comments:

  1. Oh Kara, I don't even know you, but I love your sweet Jamesie, and I will continue to pray for your little family.

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  2. I have been thinking about you all day. I said a quick prayer this morning for you and Matthew to have the strength to get through today. I never met Jamesie and somehow I miss him. I can't imagine how much you do.

    He is with you though. I know he is, especially today.

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  3. ditto to the comments above. still praying for you. if you don't take a shower then you don't take a shower, that is ok. i know how something like that can feel like such a task, something that requires too much at a time like this

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  4. I just wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. Hang in there.

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  5. You all have been on my mind especially today. I loved the video! James looked so darn cute throwing that ball to you! Hugs and Thoughts and Prayers to you.

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  6. Thought of you all today! Loved the video of Jamesie! Big hugs to you and Matthew!!! Ill be lighting a candle tonight for him and praying for you all!!

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  7. So many prayers and hugs coming to you

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  8. I am writing to you-not sure how you will take this, but knowing I need to speak up.

    Last February 14, I found out I was pregnant, too. THe same day that you found out you were expecting James. Unfortunately, I miscarried that pregnancy. In June I found out I was pregnant again, and gave birth 6 weeks prematurely to a boy we named Joshua. One by one, without realizing it, giraffes have accumulated in the possession of our dear Joshua. I think we have 8 now (including the giraffe paci AND a Sophie that James had.) And then, to top it off, my mom's maiden name is Sikes.

    For whatever reason, I feel the need to tell you all of this. I don't know why. But I feel a connection to you based on these three things. I hope this doesn't bother you or do any harm.

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  9. Thank you for sharing the video of Jamesie! He was throwing the ball like a pro! :) What a precious little boy he was. As others have said, I have thought about you all day & praying for God to hold you in His arms & give you comfort; especially today. Even though we don't personally know one another, I have grown to love your precious angel & feel a since of sadness today. Much love to you & Matthew! Prayers & Hugs to you both! God Bless!

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  10. i am lifting you both up!!! the video is precious!! so glad you have those!! i pray for comfort that only god can provide.

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  11. Thank you for updating us. I think about you daily and pray for you constantly.

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  12. I-don't-know-you-but...

    Praying for you. Admiring you for even getting out of bed and taking a shower once in the past month, let alone on an almost daily basis. Thank you for the blessing you are being by sharing your heart and allowing all of us to lift you up to God, which brings US closer to Him in the process. Can't get enough pictures of your Jamesie. He is a beautiful boy!

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  13. My heart aches for you and I am praying for you tonight.

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  14. Precious one...you are prayed for every day. I am so very, very sorry for your deep and indescribable pain. I am a pediatric oncology nurse. I have watched far too many mama's and papa's say good bye. It is too much! Do you have Tear Soup? It is a beautiful book on grief. It is intended for 8-12 year old children. I love it so much I read it at my daddy's funeral. I think you will like the way grief is described.

    I know it seems impossible to believe, but one day when it is right James will send you a baby to love. No baby could ever replace James Camden. No baby ever should because it is not fair to James. It is not fair to you. It is not fair to a baby. One thing I have leaned 24 years after starting my career in peds oncology nursing is this...our loving God created a heart so flexible, pliable, malleable, elastic that it can hold anguish and joy at the same time. There is room for anger and happiness. Most importantly there is room enough to love your beautiful James and who ever he sends your way. One day your heart will love that way again. Until then know that our hearts are loving you!

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  15. I know you don't know me. i found your blog via Angie Smith's blog.
    I just want to sit and cry with you.
    My husband and I delivered our 7 lb 7 oz stillborn son on June 30, 2011...grief is the weirdest place, isn't it?
    James was so beautiful. I'd like to think he and Jack are bouncing from cloud to cloud with Jesus. God bless you, sweet lady.
    Laurie Young

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  16. Kara, James is just gorgeous. Wear your pjs all day if you feellike it. It doesn't matter to have a pj day from time to time. Your strength and courage is amazing, and you are in many people's thoughts across the world. x

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  17. As always, I sit here crying over what you have written. You are an amazing woman and I wish I could reach over and give you a big great hug. You are stronger than you know, stronger than I imagine I ever could be in your given situation. You are an inspiration.

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  18. Sweet family,
    I thought about you yesterday and am praying for you both to continue to find strength and peace in the pain. Your James is beautiful, he always will be. He will never leave your memory or the memories of so many of us who don't even know you but have walked on this journey with you through your words on this blog. I have no special words to offer except to say that you all are never far from my heart. Your courage, strength and FAITH are an inspiration to all of us.

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  19. Cute video, would love to see more if you have any.

    My Uncle James went to heaven this morning and I bet he'll look after your Baby James! Hugs to you!! ♥

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  20. What a beautiful, happy baby. I am incredibly sorry for your tragic loss. As a mother also I cant imagine the depth of your pain. God bless you. Take care and know you are being thought of and prayered for.

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  21. Oh Kara, what a sweet, precious boy he is in that video. You are so lucky to have those memories to hold on to to get through this difficult time. Please know how much we all love you and wish we could do something to take away your grief. I think if it were possible, you'd have 1000+ people sitting in your living room, offering a shoulder for you to cry on or a word of encouragement or a hand to hold. I'm praying for you and your husband every single day. You will be okay again!

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