1 month ago

1 month ago today I was holding James.  He was struggling, but he was still here and in my arms.  2 months ago he was fine.  Or what I thought was fine.  He and I were throwing a ball back and forth across the living room.  James was somewhat unstable as he threw the ball, but I just thought that it was normal that he wouldn't be able to sit still.  He had sat still before, but for some reason I just didn't see it.  Looking at the videos now, it is all so clear.  Gosh, I just had no idea then. 

I miss my baby.  I miss him so much.  I miss giving him baths.  I miss walking into his room in the morning and seeing his smiling face.  I miss changing his diaper.  It took me 2 weeks to finally change the diaper genie.  For some reason I just couldn't do it.  And now I have no reason to even have a diaper genie.

I miss everything.  Today especially is hard.  It's 12:00 and I haven't taken a shower or gotten dressed.  I've had this rule that every day I have to take a shower by noon.  Otherwise I might stay in my pajamas all day and that doesn't accomplish anything.  But today is different.  I just can't make myself do it today. 

I haven't hardly touched his room at all.  My friend Cathryn and I cleaned it and organized it.  But it looks exactly the same as if he were still living in it.  Sometimes I just go into his room and sit in the rocker.  So many memories in that rocker.  It's where I fed him every night before he went to sleep.  So many stories read.  So many hours just rocking him in that rocker. 

I've held other babies.  The feeling of longing doesn't go away though.  No other baby could ever take his place.  I had a dream a few weeks ago that I had just given birth to a little girl.  And I just hated her.  Absolutely hated her.  Everything she did, I hated her.  And who hates their child?  But I did.  With every toy she played with, with every laugh, I thought to myself (in the dream) that James didn'd do that.  As she got older, past the age that James had passed away, I just kept thinking that James wouldn't have been that way.  He wouldn't have acted how she acted.

I asked my counselor about it (who is wonderful and is really helping me during this time) and he said that I probably had this dream because there isn't a replacement for James.  For me, the thought of another child is just trying to replace my perfect baby.  And that doesn't mean that I will always feel that way, but I do right now. 

So, sweet James, there will never be a replacement for you.  He is never far from my thoughts.  Every time I get in the car I think of the car seat that should be there.  Every time I go to the grocery car, I catch myself reaching for the shopping cart cover that he will sit in.  Every time I see his play group friends playing, I think that he should be there.  And although my friends are amazing at including me in the "normal" things that I was a part of, its still hard. 

So today is a hard day.  Today is one of those days that it's a choice to take a shower.  And it's a choice to get up and do something.  I don't know what that "something" will be.  I might go to the cemetery- I've only been once since we buried him.  I'm not sure.  Thanks so much for all your prayers and support- especially today.