Sunday, August 7, 2011
So I know it's been a long time since I have posted anything. For some reason, it just doesn't feel right to spill all my feelings out for everyone to read. Part of it is because at any given moment, I could have polar opposite feelings. Hopefully that is normal- but I guess there is nothing "normal" about burying your 8 month old son.
We spent alot of time at Baylor talking about strengths. My sophomore year, Baylor started using Strengthsquest to assess and develop students' strengths. Marcus Buckingham, who is a former researcher at Gallup, and currently is probably the most well-known strengths-based leadership consultant for companies, organizations and education. He has written several books about strengths which I would highly encourage you to read if you get a chance. Strengths-based leadership is a passion of mine, and I absolutely love utilizing strengths to assist students in defining their calling and ensuring success. Ok long explanation for what I am about to say. My strengths, according to Strengthsquest, are Positivity, Empathy, WOO (winning others over), Belief and Maximizer.
Positivity has always been my number one strength. No matter what kind of personality test I take, positivity, or something similarly related, always ends up on top. So for me, having a negative response to this situation is strange. Most of the time I take the positive route- James is with Jesus. Which he is. I have absolutely no doubt about that. But there are times that I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that I am left alone without him.
I read the headline of an article the other day- "Motherhood is a calling". I didn't read the actual article. I just couldn't go there. Because what do you do when you have felt your whole life that Motherhood is your calling, and then your baby is gone? Alot of days I feel like this. If you ask anyone who knows me- even has met me once or twice- they will probably tell you that I was meant to be a Mommy.
When I was about 3, I was watching Dumbo. I remember sitting in front of the TV just bawling. It was the scene where Dumbo's mother is locked behind the bars of her cage, and Dumbo desperately wants his Mommy. She gently pulls her trunk through the bars, scoops him up, and rocks him to the song "Baby Mine". (Allison Krauss has a really beautiful version also if you want to listen!). I remember thinking that when I had a baby, I wouldn't be able to bear being away from him (or her).
And so now, over 3 weeks later, I still can't bear being away from him. I don't know how to do it. I feel like I don't even know how my life if supposed to work. How can my life possibly make sense without him in it?
Sometimes I am just desperate for someone to ask me about him. I was at Target today, and I was just hoping that my usual check out lady was there. Then maybe she would ask about him. And maybe I could talk to her about my sweet baby. I love it when people tell me about him. Whether it be stories that they have about him, or maybe they saw something when I wasn't looking. Or other times it's the little things that remind them of him now. Because for me, I just don't want him to be forgotten. I don't want people to pretend he didn't exist.
Just because that's what I want right now, doesn't mean that everyone who has lost a child wants this. I can't pretend to know what other people know. And I know there is no "one-size fits all" grief. But I am so grateful for every sign that someone is thinking of my baby boy. Because I think about him every second, every minute, every hour of every day.
My brother and I took a little trip to San Diego this week. Which, by the way, if you have never been is absolutely beautiful. I was feeling down one afternoon. We had just checked in to our hotel in La Jolla, and my brother suggested that we take a walk to the beach. We turned out of the hotel, and directly in our path was the St. James Episcopal Church. In the window were several giraffes. What are the odds?! Giraffes in the window of a church called St. James. I had to laugh and was thankful for God's many blessings in my life. Some of them large signs, like this one, and other small ones that don't go unnoticed.
I'm going to try to start writing again- hopefully my writings won't disappoint!