When Amanda asked me to be a bridesmaid, my life was so completely different. It's almost like my life has three stages now- before James, with James, after James. I made the hotel reservation the week that James was throwing up. When I pulled up the hotel confirmation this week, I realized that I had made the reservation with a requested crib. Because even though James had been throwing up that week, I truly thought that it was a bug. I would have never guessed that he wouldn't have been there.
|I thought I would put some Jamesie and Mommy pictures up. These are from Easter Sunday.|
We then decided to go hang out in the backseat of the car because James was hungry. So I fed him in the backseat (which I swear the whole world has seen my boobs at this point). I accidentally left my coffee cup on top of the car, and so everyone that walked by noticed first the coffee cup, and then James and I in the backseat waiting. The store opened, and I grabbed a few dresses to try on. James ended up playing on the floor of the fitting room, but was over it pretty quickly. I chose the first dress I tried on, paid, and headed out into a pretty large storm. I remember calling my mom and asking her to look at the weather to make sure that I should really start to head home. Precious cargo in the backseat. James slept the whole way home and we made it safely home.
Little moments like that, forever ingrained in my mind. The simplest of tasks, yet those are the moments that summed up our days. I like remembering him this way as opposed to sick in a hospital bed.
I posted on facebook about that last part. I know alot of people try to say the right thing, and I understand that. I know that so many people want me to have another baby immediately, and that they think that encouraging me in that direction is the right thing to say.
I know that many people won't understand that, and that's ok. But my hope is that you all won't place judgment and know that this isn't a spur of the moment decision. Bringing a child into the world isn't something that should be decided on a whim. It's a lifelong commitment, for however long that life lasts.
So I think I need to revise my list about things not to say to people grieving the loss of a child. I think number one on mine right now is "You can have another baby" or anything along those lines. Or anything that has to do with bringing or doing things with another child. Because I don't want to do those things with any other child. And to imply that it would be the same to do those things with another child is saying that James wasn't unique for who he was. I don't want to dance at a wedding with another child. I want to dance with James. I want to see the expression on his face as I dip him to the ground. Or as we shimmy and shake. Or how his eyes follow the lights across the ballroom. Or maybe how he might have been walking now and see him walk across as people danced. I don't know what he would have done.
And I know that no one means those comments to be hurtful. It's just that I find now it's better when I sort of let people know when comments bother me.
Did anyone make a wish at 11.11.11 at 11:11? I'm still waiting to see if mine comes true....