So this week has been relatively better. It's the first week that I haven't just felt numb most of the time- which is good!
My emotions still go all over the place. But I would say that this week the lows aren't as low. I didn't go to the cemetery on the 16th. I really don't know what to do out there. And I don't like that the 16th of every month reminds me of James' death. Just like on Saturdays I can remember that he died on a Saturday. I'm trying to reframe those days so they aren't so debilitating, if that makes sense at all.
I'm starting not to feel as guilty about things like that. I still do from time to time, but the time in between is getting longer and longer. Which I think is a good thing. I don't feel like my sadness is all-encompassing as much. I mean, it's still there, definitely, but it's not as debilitating. I know I keep using that word, but that's what it felt like for a while- debilitating, disabling. Almost like I needed a handicap sticker placed on my entire body. Or a sign that says, "Tread carefully. Extreme emotions ever present."
I know that there are bound to be days where it feels worse. But I'm starting to recognize that there are days that feel better too. And both of those are ok. I don't want the 16th of every month to be a reminder of what I lost. Because I had 8 other 16ths with James that full of the most special times. Or maybe not special, they may have just been typical days, but now those average days I cherish.
It made me sad at first, but then I remembered the look on his face as he just went after those carrots and noodles. He had always hated the mashed carrots in the baby food jar, but he decided he liked these. He really did not like mashed up food in general. Once he realized that he could pick up food, like bananas and avocados, he enjoyed eating much better.
Thank you for being so supportive and listening to my ramblings. I feel like I always write when I am sad, and tonight I'm not completely depressing! These pictures are from right before Thanksgiving last year at the Arboretum. James was 3 weeks old. He wasn't as in to the pumpkins....but he was only 3 weeks old!