Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I didn't expect today to be so hard. Really, I thought Saturday was going to be the worst day. And today was just really bad, and maybe its because I didn't expect it. I barely moved from the couch today. The only times I got up were to let the dogs in and out.
I don't even know what I watched on tv, though I am sure it was on all day. I really don't know what I did. I know I kept getting on facebook and seeing the (what seems like) hundreds of adorable kids in their adorable costumes. And with each lady bug or monkey I just sank lower and lower. Sometimes I think I should just cancel my facebook completely! I tend to compare myself to other people alot, and it really only makes me feel worse about myself sometimes. Does that happen to anyone else?
One of my classes got canceled, and so I was home during the typical Trick or Treat time. I was really planning on being gone so I didn't have to deal with it. I hadn't bought any candy or decorated. So I was the Grinch this year and sat on the couch, lights off, shades drawn, with no candy to give out.
I think I should have known that I was upset about Halloween. A few months ago, some people at church had asked me to help chair our Fall Festival. I just couldn't. I knew that it was the day after James's birthday, and I just couldn't bear to see all the kids in their costumes when I never had the chance to even bring James to the event. And as it got closer, I couldn't even bear to hear about it. And I know it's terrible, but I just can't deal with it. I didn't even ask my friends what their children were dressing up as.
Some days I just feel like I don't function at all. Maybe if I had somewhere I had to be today it wouldn't have been a total loss, but the days I have no plans seem to be the worst. Sometimes I can just sit and stare for hours and accomplish nothing. Tomorrow I have several things I have to do, so hopefully I can make myself go do them.
Tomorrow is All Saints Day. I've never even thought about the day, other than in Spanish class in high school when we had "Dia de las Muertos" parties. I read somewhere that All Saints day is supposedly when some people believe that the space between Heaven and Earth is closer, and therefore more signs from loved ones are seen. Well, I'll be honest, I would love a sign. What I would really love is James to appear and tell me that he is ok- great even- and will just play with his angel baby friends until I get there. Maybe he will. I have to hope that maybe I one day I will get a sign.
Sometimes life is funny. If you had told me 6 months ago that I would halfway believe that on November 1st the barrier between Heaven and Earth was thinner, I would have told you that it was all bull and you are crazy. Now I think I just grasp at anything that could give me the chance to see James again.
Like I said before, nothing in my life is black and white anymore. It's all gray that might possibly make me slant towards the loony bin. Even typing it, I'm thinking "Who the heck would believe that?!"
So I hope everyone had a good time with their little ones today. But tomorrow, on All Saints Day, would you mind saying a little prayer for my little one?