Tuesday, November 1, 2011


This is the only picture I have of James from Halloween last year.  One of my many regrets is not dressing him up in a costume last year.   I know it's not really important, but I now I wish I had.

I didn't expect today to be so hard.  Really, I thought Saturday was going to be the worst day.  And today was just really bad, and maybe its because I didn't expect it.  I barely moved from the couch today.  The only times I got up were to let the dogs in and out.

I don't even know what I watched on tv, though I am sure it was on all day.  I really don't know what I did.  I know I kept getting on facebook and seeing the (what seems like) hundreds of adorable kids in their adorable costumes.  And with each lady bug or monkey I just sank lower and lower.  Sometimes I think I should just cancel my facebook completely!  I tend to compare myself to other people alot, and it really only makes me feel worse about myself sometimes.  Does that happen to anyone else?

One of my classes got canceled, and so I was home during the typical Trick or Treat time.  I was really planning on being gone so I didn't have to deal with it.  I hadn't bought any candy or decorated.  So I was the Grinch this year and sat on the couch, lights off, shades drawn, with no candy to give out. 

I think I should have known that I was upset about Halloween.  A few months ago, some people at church had asked me to help chair our Fall Festival.  I just couldn't.  I knew that it was the day after James's birthday, and I just couldn't bear to see all the kids in their costumes when I never had the chance to even bring James to the event.  And as it got closer, I couldn't even bear to hear about it.  And I know it's terrible, but I just can't deal with it.  I didn't even ask my friends what their children were dressing up as. 

Some days I just feel like I don't function at all.  Maybe if I had somewhere I had to be today it wouldn't have been a total loss, but the days I have no plans seem to be the worst.  Sometimes I can just sit and stare for hours and accomplish nothing.  Tomorrow I have several things I have to do, so hopefully I can make myself go do them. 

Tomorrow is All Saints Day.  I've never even thought about the day, other than in Spanish class in high school when we had "Dia de las Muertos" parties.  I read somewhere  that All Saints day is supposedly when some people believe that the space between Heaven and Earth is closer, and therefore more signs from loved ones are seen.  Well, I'll be honest, I would love a sign.  What I would really love is James to appear and tell me that he is ok- great even- and will just play with his angel baby friends until I get there.  Maybe he will. I have to hope that maybe I one day I will get a sign. 

Sometimes life is funny.  If you had told me 6 months ago that I would halfway believe that on November 1st the barrier between Heaven and Earth was thinner, I would have told you that it was all bull and you are crazy.  Now I think I just grasp at anything that could give me the chance to see James again. 

Like I said before, nothing in my life is black and white anymore.  It's all gray that might possibly make me slant towards the loony bin.  Even typing it, I'm thinking "Who the heck would believe that?!" 

So I hope everyone had a good time with their little ones today.  But tomorrow, on All Saints Day, would you mind saying a little prayer for my little one? 


  1. Kara, I will say a huge prayer for James and you. I have you in my daily prayer journal. The pain you are experiencing is unfathomable and words are just inadequate. You don't know me but I wish I could hug you through this computer screen ~ I'm praying for your little angel and you right now. Love from a sister in Christ

  2. Kara, I am a random stranger (from JLD now living in London). Today I will light a candle and say a prayer for your St James. We share a mother's heart and I cry with you as I write this. I can only imagine how you feel. My prayer for you is peace which passes all understanding. XO Jody

  3. I will say a prayer for James, I think of him often and my heart breaks for you having to go through this. x

  4. Kara, My son and I pray for you, your husband and your beautiful James every night. We will definitely say one tonight. I think you are one of the strongest women I have ever had the opportunity to "know' (even if only through your blog). I can't even imagine how you feel but I want you to know that there are many of us that are with you in spirit. Much love from Ohio.

  5. Kara,

    I will pray for James today, but I have to be honest... YOU are the one consuming my prayers. YOU are the one my heart breaks for.

    In my head I see James laughing and playing at Jesus' feet. He gets to see God! He has no more pain.

    It is YOU that my heart BREAKS in two for. Dear, dear girl... I cannot imagine how you EVER get off the couch and I think you are VERY VERY brave for EVER getting up and going through a regular day. I pray that today YOU will feel comforted and held by your Savior. I pray that He will hold you close in His arms.

    I pray that He will give you the strength to carry on until you once again can hold your James in your arms. Until you are reunited with your precious baby.

    God bless, Kara!

  6. You do not sound crazy at all. You have every right to feel the way you do, and believe what you want..who is to say it's not true? I know James is doing great...I will still pray though. I will also pray for you and your family. Times like this can be tough and just plain miserable, and I pray that you feel God's love always, but especially in the hardest times of all, such as holidays. God Bless!

  7. I said prayers for you and James and Matthew today. I do it often.

    (I, too, find myself comparing my life to others on Facebook. For this reason I deactivated my account. I recently went back for a day and realized I wasn't missing as much as I thought I was.)

    hugs and love.

  8. Kara - don't be too hard on yourself. You have the right to be Grinchy from now through Christmas til whenever you feel better.

    Going to an All Souls Day service tomorrow for my son & the other departed of our church, and will say a special prayer for James, too.

    You're not crazy. We all just want to feel close to our children, in any way we can.

  9. Praying extra tonight for your sweet family. May you find a teent tiny bit of joy tomorrow.

  10. Your family continues to be in my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis. I cannot begin to fathom what you are feeling from minute to minute throughout the day. May you continue to remember the good times and bad times, and when the time is right you will be with James once again.

  11. I know this doesn't compare, but my one-year-old son is fighting cancer and having a very rough time with it mentally, with spending so much time in the hospital instead of being out playing. Halloween was bad for me too because he was in the hospital with a fever and I had to work so I'd miss him trick or treating in the hospital. I was getting tired of all the kids in their costumes also. Like I said, I know it's completely different and I don't pretend to have a clue how much you hurt, but I just want to let you know you're not the only one out there. I pray you've gotten some sort of sign from your sweet son. I pray you find some comfort. Because as hard as I feel like I have it some days, I know there are mothers out there with absolutely shattered hearts. I cannot even imagine.

  12. Holidays are so hard. Slog through as best you can. I will pray for your sweet baby tomorrow.

  13. Oh sweetie, just said a prayer for you. I so wish I could be there to give you a hug for strength. We've never met but my heart continues to break for you! Keep our God close to you.

  14. I said an extra prayer for you and James and Matthew tonight. God bless.
    ~a stranger in Austin

  15. I'm happy that you have such great friends. You are more fortunate than most who are dealing with child loss. I can't imagine those who are going through it alone, who accidentally caused their child's death, those who don't have pictures or videos of their babies.
    Truth is though it is torture, regardless the circumstances.

  16. Said a little prayer for you and your Kames today. Know that he is thought of, and often. While trick or treating last night came across a pumpkin that had been carved into the shape of a giraffe and I immediately thought of your James and it made me smile. He has touched so many lives...Just know that someone in Oregon is thinking of oyu and praying for you often. If there was a way I could soften your pain I would do it. But since I can't, I'll spread the "Jamsie word" and make sure that everyone I know knows about him.
    God bless you and your family. May the pain pass and the joy remain.

  17. always in my prayers!
    one day at a time..

  18. Thank you for being honest. I don't think you'll ever know how many people you are reaching just by being transparent about how difficult this time is. It really helps us know how to pray for you all.

    Much love,
    Stacie Smith

    P.S. You both write so well!!

  19. You and your husband are blessed. You can have another child to love. My advice to you is to get pregnant again. Enjoy the love of another child. You clearly both have a lot of love to give. Don't cheat yourself out of having more kids because you spend all your time grieving one child. Life does and will go on. I know. I've been there.

  20. I'm saying prayers for you and James. You're not alone. Facebook can be salt in a wound sometimes. Like right now when everyone is doing 30 days of thanks for everything right and perfect in their lives, I just want to scream. Because one of my daughters has cancer. It's all I can think about sometimes. Thank you for continuing to be honest and open.