Saturday, July 16, 2011

Empty

Today was the absolute worst day of my life. Those of you who know me well know that I have have been through my share of bad days. But watching sweet James breathe his last breathe was the worst of the worst. I honestly believed until the very end that we were going to get our miracle for him.

I really hadn't considered that James might die until the MRI on Tuesday. When we found out that he had a rhabdoid tumor, I knew the percentages weren't on our side. But I knew that the odds were increasing, and that we had a very successful resection surgery. As Terrible as this was, I asked the doctors how many cases likes James' they treated a year. They said typically 2. I also asked how many they were currently treating. They said 0. In my head, i did the math. It wAs June. I Assumed that they had one other case this year and that child had not lived. I somehow in my head determined that James would be the 1 of 2 that made it. I know it's terrible to think that way, but I'm trying to be honest here.

We knew when we woke up this morning that today would be James' last day on earth. I don't want to dwell on the details- today was long and very different than what we were told would happen. Sweet baby was a fighter until the end, doing things on his own time. Just like he did coming into the world. He wouldn't have had it any other way.

So precious James met Jesus in my arms, while being told how very loved he is by his daddy and I. We told him that we were so sorry he had to be brave and go before us- even though we so desperately wish that we could show him the way. He was so very brave. We told him about all the people who were so excited to meet him there. We told him it was ok to go and join his angel friends. We told him how proud we were to be his parents, and how much we are going to miss him. Oh how I miss him. I know it's only been hours, but I miss him so much.

I want my baby back. My arms are empty. I'm a mommy without a baby. And what does that even mean? I know it's so selfish to want him here, but I would give anything to have him back. Just for a day. Just for a minute.

I take comfort in the fact that James is completely healed. Last night, the tumor was literally pressing out of our baby boys head. I know we haven't talked a lot about that, but it was making his head swell so much. It was literally trying to come out of the incisions that were left after his biopsy, craniotomy, ventriculostomy, and external drain site. Right after James went to be with Jesus, somehow the rumors were gone, the swelling had subsided, and James was made perfect again. I truly believe that God healed his physical body so that we would know his heavenly body had been healed as well.

I held him for a long time after. I knew that it would be the last time I got to hold my angel. And he is at peace now. For that I am so grateful. Matthew and I prayed and thanked God for blessing us with Jamesie for the last 8 months. Although we wanted him to stay, James had a calling so much higher than this earth.

That's not to say I'm not devastated. I feel like I don't even know what to do. And that's ok. I physically cannot even cry anymore tonight. I'm just numb. It's like I'm functioning on autopilot. But the whole world keeps spinning and my world stopped at 3:50 this afternoon.

I'm so thankful to you all for confirming to me that James' spirit lives on. His legacy is so widespread I cannot even fathom its depth. Thank you for walking beside us. Thank you for carrying us.

This poem speaks to me now, and to me, sums up how I remember my sweet Jamesie.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

E. E. Cummings

102 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your families loss. Continued prayers being said. RIP sweet little James.

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  2. Praying God scoops you up, comforts you, holds, you, gives you rest. Praying for you, Kara. The best mommy to sweet Jamesie.

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  3. Nothing I could say would match your exquisite words, Kara. I give you my Love.

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  4. Oh Kara and Mathew, I am just so so sorry. I wish with all my heart that you didn't have to endure this incredible pain. I want you to know that James has changed me forever! I look at everything differently because of him, and I am so grateful. I will NEVER forget James and the lessons I learned from him. Please know that I am praying for you.

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  5. My heart breaks for your family. I continue to pray that you both are wrapped in peace and comfort. James has touched so many people and we thank you for sharing your journey. God bless you and keep you.
    Sarah
    (Baylor in Oxford 2004)

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  6. Sweet James, how lucky are all of us to have known of you and your sweet spirit?! Since being told of told battle yesterday, I've been praying. Not even with words just my heart. For what is there to ask or speak of for an angel such as you? Just sent love and thanks for blessing so many of us with knowing about your life. What significance your 8 months had on so many of us. Thank you for sharing your Angel with us!
    - Amanda from LA, CA

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  7. Praying for you and Matthew tonight. I just read your whole blog this evening and I am crying for you. He is such a blessed boy to have you for a mom. I am praying for some measure of peace for you.

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  8. Praying for you and your family tonight.

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  9. Kara, I'm praying that God will wrap his arms around you and hold you and comfort you. James has blessed so many people. We will never forget him. Never. He has had such a huge impact on our lives. He is 8 months old, and he has touched more lives than most of us ever will.

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  10. I can't even find the right words to pray, so I'm just having to trust that God is reading my heart. Praying a peace that passes all understanding for you.

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  11. Kara and Matthew,
    I do not know you personally, but found your blog through another blog a few days ago. I, along with so many others, was hoping against hope that you would get your miracle. I'm so sorry for your loss. God must have needed another angel up in heaven. I pray that you will be comforted by the knowledge that your precious son is no longer in pain. May the love and support of your family and friends bring you comfort in the days ahead. God Bless You

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  12. Kara,

    My husband, Jason, and I knew you when we were in middle and high school at Asbury UMC in Tulsa.

    We just found your blog tonight and wanted to let you know that we are praying mighty prayers for you and Matthew over the next hours and days. May you both rest in Jesus' arms.

    Love,
    Jason and Emily (Stallcup) Yang

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  13. Praying for Christ's love to wash over and carry you. James did beat the tumor... he beat it through any pain and suffering it could inflict. He has been shown more love and touched more lives than many ever will.

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  14. I can't begin to tell you how many tears I have cried and will continue to cry for you. My heart hurts so much for you. The one thing that I keep thinking about is how you said that you always let Jamesie nap on you. How wonderful that you did that. I bet at the time you had a bit of "mom guilt" for not making him sleep in his crib, but now how wonderful that you were able to show him that love. My brother died when I was 16 and I watched my parents grieve the loss of a child and I a sibling. It's unimaginable. I know that if he had such an impact on total strangers he was truly a special boy. He was blessed to have you both as parents. Continuing to pray constantly that the Lord would wrap His arms around you.

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  15. We have been praying for you all. We are so so sorry for the pain and loss of sweet James. Our hearts ache and tears have been shed. May James' memory be a blessing to you always.

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  16. I found your blog by chance tonight and have read it all... I'm so sorry. "a mommy without a baby", I know this feeling too. A different reason why, but still a mommy without a baby. The numbness may last for days, weeks or months, but it's a blessing I promise. The numbness makes it possible to get through, probably the only reason why it's possible to. I just "celebrated" my daughter's first birthday and the first anniversary of her death, just a day a apart, and all I can tell you is that somehow you DO get through it. You never let them go really, but carry them with you, in your heart instead of your arms. You're still Jamesie' mommy, forever.

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  17. My heart is breaking for you all. Continuing to pray for peace and love to surround you both. I wanted to pass along a special prayer I received from another. "Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell him about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would You please hold Him on your lap and tell him about me."

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  18. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing Jamesie's story. I promise that I'll never forget him or his beautiful blue eyes. Your family is in my thoughts.

    Taryn Wright

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  19. I am sobbing. My heart is broken for you and Matthew. I have been praying constantly since I started reading your blog earlier this week. I am so thankful that you were able to hold your sweet baby boy as he went to meet Jesus. It is so apparent that Jamesie had all the love in the world and more! Although God did not grant us the miracle we all desperately prayed for, God did give us a miracle, and that miracle was Jamesie. Your son has touched the lives of so many people. Jamesie was God's miracle. Although he was only on earth for 8 months he will continue blessing lives for years and years to come. James' story has forever impacted my life and I will never forget him or you. I will continue to pray for you and Matthew during this next phase of your life. May God wrap you in His loving embrace.
    Courtney

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  20. What a beautiful baby boy. I saw your blog posted on facebook tonight, and while I don't usually take the time to read these types of things, I did yours, and I was touched by your courage and sadness. I want to go and pull my 5-month-old baby boy out of his crib and snuggle with him, to follow your example and live with no regrets. I hope you find peace in your faith, knowing he was so perfect that he was needed on the other side of the veil so soon. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  21. I know you do not want grief, but as a mom, I am so so sorry. I just cannot imagine what you are going through right now. It is not fair and I am mad for you! I am sad too. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, but things like this should NOT happen. You are all in my thoughts and I will forever remember sweet James, even though I did not know him personally. {{{HUGS}}}

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  22. I just stumbled across your blog, read this entry with tears streaming down my face, and want you to know that your family will be in our prayers. I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.

    "God is good all the time; all the time God is good."

    Thank you for sharing James' story. May God comfort your hearts and ease your pain. I am praying that you will literally feel God wrap His loving arms around you, much the way James felt them as he entered the Kingdom. God bless you. <3 <3

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  23. Prayers continue and abound for that peace which surpasses all understanding. I know Jesus is telling sweet jamesie about his wonderful parents and why He chose you for him. You are incredible parents. again I don't know you but James has forever found a place in my heart and changed me. My one and only boy will turn 2 in a few weeks and will be having a 'Thomas the tank engine' birthday party. I have decided that I would like to honor sweet baby James in some way in lieu of gifts on his birthday to spread his purpose and legacy on this earth so that other. Mommies and daddies do not take their sweet kiddie or 2nd birthday parties for granted. I will look for direction in how we can donate on his behalf or whatever your wishes are. I did hive my son a new toy today, the train named "James" so we will never forget how your angel has blessed our hearts.

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  24. Prayers to you and your family. You do not know me but your story and your Sweet Angel Jamesie truly touched my heart. May he be dancing with the Angels in heaven...
    Alexis Landrum

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  25. I am so sorry to hear your news today. James is now at peace but he will live on forever in your hearts x

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  26. I am devastated for you. You are in so many people's thoughts and prayers. Your beautiful son's spirit has touched many many people around the world.

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  27. I know no words can and will make it better but I am very sorry for your loss and many prayers to your family!

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  28. Please know that there are thousands of people praying for your family. James is at peace right now, but still my heart breaks for you. James has touched so many lives, and I will remember him forever.

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  29. If today was the worst day of your life, then think: it can only get better from here.

    Once again, praying for you from California.

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  30. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am in Melbourne, Australia and I stumbled upon your blog as my 11 year old son has a friend with a brain tumour - he was diagnosed in August last year and we try and gain as much information as possible in case we can find the magic cure. Your story has touched my heart and I just want you to know that, even on the other side of the world, we are thinking of your beautiful little Jamesie. Jamesie and your family will always be in our hearts and prayers. God Bless.

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  31. I came to read your blog through another blog called the blogivers. I am heartbroken to hear your story, and I am praying for God to bring peace, comfort, and provide for all of your emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial needs. Your baby boy was beautiful and he has touched the hearts of me and so many people. My heart goes out to you.

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  32. Wish so badly you two didn't have to be going through this. I had been praying for a miracle. It's hard to understand why this was the ultimate outcome. Praying for both of you and your families that you find healing, peace, and comfort. James was a precious angel and I know you will forever be blessed because of him!

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  33. If each of us could carry one billionth of your hurt, we would collapse from the pain.

    If we could feel one billionth of the love you shared and poured into James, we would be able to take on the world.

    My heart breaks for your profound loss and I will continue to pray for you.

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  34. Praying...thank you for sharing James in his last days on earth. He will not be forgotten, he has a legacy.

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  35. I read your entire blog from a friend's post on Facebook. I can't find the words to express my sorrow. The love you gave James and the words you write to express your love are the best I have ever seen (I work with babies who have delays). I've had families lose their babies a devastating diagnosis, but none have I seen like yours, it's not just a story of the courageous battle, but the life of a family whose baby endured so much in 8 short months. I will continue my prayers for your family and keep James in my thoughts. He was a beautiful baby!

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  36. I am so sorry for the loss of you sweet Jamesie... He truely was an angel on Earth. My prayers will be with you and your family and I will continue to pray for you in the days, weeks and months ahead. There are no words to give a grieving family but please know that you little angel has touched so many lives and has taught so much in his 37 weeks.

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  37. I am so sorry for your loss and cannot imagine the pain you and Matthew are going through. James has been so brave in this fight. Even in his short time here, he has left a great legacy. He has taught me to treasure my family and never to take them for granted.

    Both you and Matthew have been so full of love and courage. Take care of each other. You are both in my prayers.

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  38. #374 Irish Funeral Prayer -- God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be. So He put His arms around you and whispered “come to me.” With tearful eyes we watched you, and saw you pass away. Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best.

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  39. I cannot begin to fathom your indescribable loss and pain. I had checked your blog early yesterday afternoon just after returning home. At that time there were no updates, so I hoped and prayed for James. Later, I happened to read on another site that James had gone to be with Jesus. Sweet Baby James was made whole, and I cried for your agony of missing him.

    I lost my adult son three years ago. The grief was engulfing and overpowering, but God saw me through little by little. I take comfort in his promise, "My grace is sufficient for you." I thought when I read this phrase after that awful day in 2007, "No it isn't. No it isn't." But it somehow was, and it will be for you.

    I pray everyday that you and your family will receive an outpouring of God's strength and comfort to make it through each moment of your overwhelming grief. God does keep his promises, and even though it seems impossible, somehow you will walk with God through this.

    You are ever in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you love.

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  40. I am so sorry for the passing of your sweet baby boy and the long hard journey of the last month. I pray that you somehow find peace and comfort in this terrible time.

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  41. I'm so sorry for your loss. Works can't describe my deepest sympathy. James isn't suffering anymore and I praise God for that. My heart and prayers go out to you during this time. God has a hold of you, never forget that. He will lead and guide you this time. He "...is a light in dark places." God loves you all so very much!

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  42. Matthew and Kara, I just started following little Jamesie's story. I've had serious health problems since I was a tiny girl so I can, on one page, relate to your family. I am devastated about your tiny son but my heart sings of joy to know he is finally home with the angels where he has been made completely whole. He's probably talking to Jesus right now! He has so much peace and won't cry even one more tear.

    Then look at the lives his short life is influencing - thousands of people, myself included. His short months were lived better than our long years. What an example, what encouragement!

    You're only beginning to hear of how James has inspired other lives, I'm sure of that. May the same arms that hold James hold the two of you through the coming time.

    We're praying for you.
    Amanda
    http://amandasjourney.tumblr.com

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  43. I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel. May God wrap his arms around you and your family so that you all may find some sort of peace in these next few weeks.

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  44. Thinking of you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some peace in the next days.

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  45. i'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Jamesie. i lost my 1st born son, Julius, last Oct from SIDS, so i do understand your feelings of emptiness and devastation. losing a child is the most unnatural thing in the world, and i'm so sorry that you have had to endure this pain. i'm thinking of you and praying for you and your family during this very difficult time. btw, i have found so much comfort in the ee cummings poem that you post. sending you love and strength...

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  46. I am so sorry that your sweet son had to endure this. Our prayers are with you at this time for strength, comfort, and peace.

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  47. Kara- I hope that all these heartfelt thoughts and prayers are comfort and support for you but I also know that no amount of prayer and love can prevent you from feeling like your entire world has stopped and prevent you from feeling deep despair and sometimes anger at the reality that one month ago, you were mothering your sweet boy and now, he is no longer in your arms. It seems so unfair and I am still in awe of your grace and strength throughout. You are a dear friend of a dear friend of mine (Shelly Terry). After talking to Shelly, reading your blog and looking at pictures,I feel like we led similar lives a few months ago. My baby boy also has a Sophie the giraffe and a Taggies elephant. He will be one next week and I have been planning his birthday for months. We share special songs, with lyrics modified just for him. I can't imagine the pain you are going through and I want you to know that I am sending my deepest sympathy to you and all of those that loved James. I will continue to pray and I will never forget. - Andrea Skelton

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  48. As I was reading your update, my 4 year old son came in the room and saw James' picture of him in the truck. He goes "Mommy, awh that baby is so cute! How cool he is sitting on a truck."
    How very true. What a beautiful baby. My heart breaks for you, but know that James is not in pain anymore is a blessing. I pray for comfort to come over your entire family. - Katie Worsham

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  49. Kara and Matthew,

    My heart is absolutely breaking for you, but I'm so so glad that you got to have those beautiful family portraits done, that Kara got to nurse James again, the you got to have such a wonderful birthday party, and that you got to spend a few precious days at home with your angel.

    My hope and prayer for you now is that as time passes, when you remember James it is with more joy than sorrow, more smiles than tears.

    Even beyond your network of friends and family, you have the love and support of many, like myself, who have never met you - who are friends of friends or who stumbled upon your story and were touched. I hope that you can find some strength in that and in each other.

    -Meredith

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  50. My heart is breaking is pieces for you both! I am so sorry for your loss! All 3 of you will be in my prayers!

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  51. there's nothing we can say to make you feel better, to make you not hurt so greatly. We mourn for the loss of your precious, handsome baby boy, but we rejoice in the newness of his body once again. What an incredible gift he was, and I so wish that he could have been on earth for so many more years, but our incredible, loving Father has another plan for you and your little family. I pray that you can know that plan soon, that even though the hurt will never go away, it will become bearable. what an incredible impact your little one had on so many people, which is obvious by the amount of people who are following your blog. Please know that we love you, and we are praying for you.

    Matthew and Annalisa (and no, you don't know us)

    Great and marvelous Heavenly Father, I pray for the Sikes family. I pray for strength and comfort as they mourn the loss of their gorgeous son. I pray that so many people would come along side them and lift them up, and I ask that you would show your power, grace and holiness in this situation. That people would come to you because they see the love of Matthew and Kara. Please comfort them and love them and help them to remember that they are never alone, no matter how alone they may feel. We love you Lord, we praise your holy name and thank you for your love.
    Amen.

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  52. God Wants You To Know...

    ...that everything passes. Nothing is eternal, even the sun will one day disappear. Remember this simple truth whenever you are suffering, - that the suffering too shall pass, - and it will become easier to bear.

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  53. Kara and Matthew,

    My heart is broken for you. I am praying for you both as well as your family and friends who also loved and cared about James. It seems that will cover more people than you can imagine. I don't know you all, I remember Kara from Jenks but I wanted to tell you that I respect you so much. The selfless decision you made for your son brings tears to my eyes because I MIGHT be able to BEGIN to understand how difficult it was. James made you both parents and some of the most excellent ones I've seen.

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  54. I don't know you or your family, but my heart is broken for you, my face wet with tears for you and for James. While I know he is healed now and has beaten the tumor, I am at a loss for words to offer, other than I'm so sorry. I loved the photoshoot that you did - James is and will always be a beautiful little boy. Sending prayers to you and your family.

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  55. Your Jamesie is such a beautiful, sweet angel. I pray that God gives you a peace only He is capable of providing, that you feel His arms wrapped around you, and that you feel the love of everyone who is praying for you as you deal with the loss of your sweet boy.

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  56. Hi Sikes Family,
    My name is Brittany and I am an acquaintance of Sandy Kenyon. I just wanted to share with you that God saw fit to call two of his angels home yesterday. My sweet aunt Judy has been living with brain cancer since January, and I believe that Jesus called her home last night because James needed a grandmother to cuddle with and we are blessed to share her. Don't worry, he is very good hands. I know she will spoil him and take very good care of him as she has all of us here and her own grandkids, until you are re-united with him. I just know they bumped into each other at Heaven's new arrivals night and they are having a blast right now! There is nothing anyone can say or do to heal your hurting and nothing will be able to fill the void. But, if I may, I would like to leave your with the words of my favorite artist, Steven Curtis Chapman:

    "We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope because we know our goodbye is not the end. And we can grieve with hope, because we believe with hope, there's a place where we will see your face again."

    Sending tearful, but greatful, hugs and prayers your way.

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  57. My heart is also breaking for you. I cannot imagine your thoughts of facing this world without James but please know you are not alone. You have people all over (who have never met you) praying for your comfort. May God see you through the most difficult days. Sending prayers your way.

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  58. I am so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. Praying.

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  59. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. I hope you find peace in knowing that his brave battle has touched many hearts. I will continue to keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  60. I am so so sorry for what you have had to endure. But I am also so thankful that you had James for the short time that you did. He was truly a little angel sent here for you. Our Father in Heaven has a plan for you and your husband and for sweet James. You know this already, but I know that if you put your trust in the Lord, after a lot of time, everything will be ok. He loves you and James loves you more than anything. You two and your angel are in my prayers and in my heart. I hope that you will be comforted and blessed and that you will know how much you have helped and blessed so many people by sharing this. Thank you. So much. I cannot express how sad I am for you. But stay strong. You are an amazing couple and James will always be a part of you and he will always be watching over you.

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  61. I am so sorry for you loss of sweet James. I will continue to pray for peace and comfort for your family during this difficult time.

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  62. I cannot even begin to fathom the depth of your grief. I am truly sorry that you are having to endure this loss.

    Since a friend shared your blog with me earlier in the week, I have been praying for you and asking Christ's mother to pray for you also. She watched her child suffer; she was at His side when He breathed His last; she was there as the One who fashioned the earth was buried within it. The pain I can't imagine is one that she endured and is equipped to help you through.

    I commend your James to her care, and trust that she will always carry him into the presence of her Son. May she be your consolation when your arms feel empty, and your peace when you are tempted to despair. For just as she knows the anguish you feel, she has experienced the indescribable joy of the Resurrection, and she will remind you that this separation is not permanent, but that your James will also rise again.

    "With the Saints give rest, O Christ, to the soul of Thy servant James, where there is no pain, no sorrow, no sighing, but life everlasting." May his memory be eternal.

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  63. You don't know me, but I've been praying for you, for James and for a miracle. Last night I prayed for peace for you.

    Today I want you to know that James HAS touched my life. While your loss is completely unfathomable to me your loss has opened my heart just a little more and given me just a little more patience. Today is our gift and tomorrow is not guaranteed. That is a reminder that is timely in my life. Thank you for sharing your son with the world. He had an adorable earthly body and has an amazing and beautiful soul.

    Peace be with you always.

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  64. I have been so touched by your sweet family and reading your blog. I saw a giraffe on something this morning and immediately thought of your sweet James. I think I always will when I see one. Praying for peace and comfort for you all.

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  65. We, too, lost a young baby 5 years ago, and live in the DFW area. Sweet James is truly one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen, and without a doubt, an angel on earth. Continue to hold each other tight during this difficult time and cry, cry, cry. Cry, talk, remember, laugh, and cry again. Do that as long as you need to. I remember many times wondering if the pain would ever end, and I promise you, there will be relief. God bless you two, and though it becomes very easy to be angry and question Him (as we did many times), He is the one who ultimately gives us peace.

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  66. I hope you have the strength to read all these wonderful comments. I want you to know that since I started reading your blog on Wednesday that WWJD has two meanings to me now. What Would James Do? I have actually asked myself this a few times and managed to get through whatever decision I was trying to make. You are blessed to have lived with an angel on earth and to have your baby boy touch so many lives that he never got the chance to meet. WWJD.

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  67. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet angel. I also don't know you, this was linked from a friends facebook. Hope you will find comfort and strength.

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  68. You are a true inspiration to all of us. You have lifted us and helped us realize to cherish every moment with our children. We become so busy with our everyday lives that we don't realize this world is not our home. You have helped us stop and hug our children, to listen to them, and cherish all the memories. For that I thank you both. May God give you strength and comfort, and with His wisdom help you both to continue your baby's legacy. From my family to yours, God bless always.

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  69. Please accept out extreme condolences. I can not imagine your pain but I pray that you do not lose your faith in our Lord. I pray that the genetic testing reveals that this won't happen again to your future babies. James memory will live one in everyone who has read your story. May God give you peace that passes all understanding.
    Josh, Dana & Elliott Bane

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  70. My heart is absolutely broken for you...have been praying for you since I heard about your sweet Jamesie. Pray that you will feel the comfort of our Heavenly Father and some measure of peace in the days to come knowing that your sweet angel is in Perfect peace. What an inspiration your family is to us all.

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  71. Kara,
    I've been praying for and falling in love with James with every day you and Matthew posted to this website. His love and strength flows through your words as you've shared such a hard time in your life on here. I've been praying for James and you both so much. As painful as it is to be without him, it is with peace that I can read that he is not in pain anymore. James has been such a great testimony of resilience and your stories about him only made me fall in love with him, greatly.

    I will be continuing to pray for you and Matthew. You are both the very best parents James could have ever asked for. God's will was flawless when he blessed you with such a beautiful boy.

    —Marily

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  72. There is nothing in this whole world that could even made just one moment of this heartache any less and for that I am so sorry. So sorry that you as a mother and your husband as a father have to go without. Please know that we are praying and that even though we have never met, never even had so much as a word communicated between us that I share your pain and it cuts deep within me to know that your precious son is not here on earth with you. I have faith that when your time comes he will hold your hand on the way to heaven.

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  73. I know there's nothing anyone can say but I just want to add my voice to those who are praying for you all.

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  74. Many kind and loving words have been written to bring you rays of comfort during this dark time yet there truly is nothing that can be said or done by any human that will bring true comfort. I implore you to dig into your faith in Jesus Christ as never before because He is the only Rock you will find to bring you through this. I write this not because it looks good on paper, but because that's just what I did when my own dear son left his cancer behind. While James has been called to Heaven, over time, I hope you will find what I found as time passed and sorrow became more bearable, the higher call is actually on your life because of your son. He was blessed beyond measure to have you as parents on Earth. I respect you greatly for being able to give him a true life free of cancer in Heaven.

    May the God of comfort carry you and mend your hearts.

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  75. I am crying as I type this. I wish you could have James for another minute, hour, a lifetime. No mother should have to endure this pain. I am so sorry and will be praying for you and your family.

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  76. Ugh, I'm soooo sorry!!!!!! Praying for your family!!!!!!!

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  77. Praying for you,your family and sweet angel Jamesie.

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  78. I am so so sorry for your loss :( My heart is so broken for you and Jamsies loved ones. I watched your video of the photos and now Im in tears and I make these videos all the time. I am a photographer for www.nowilaymedowntosleep.com and I feel so honored to be apart of these Angels lives. Thank you for sharing your story! You will forever be in my heart and soul! Loves sent your way!!

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  79. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking of dear, sweet James and your pain. When I woke today I couldn't wait for my son to wake. When he did I held him, crying rivers of tears for you.

    James' gifts are far reaching, he has touched so many lives and I know that the perspective I have been given, is indeed a gift from your family to mine.

    Thankyou and bless your beautiful hearts. xx

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  80. I've cried a lot over the past 2 days thinking about your sweet, beautiful boy. I can't even imagine the pain your family is going through right now.
    You showed such strength for him, so that he did not have to fear what was to come, even though he didn't understand what was happening. (or maybe he did, I think we see God better when we are sinless...).
    James did get his miracle though. He got to go to Heaven and meet Jesus, and to prepare a place for you as well.
    There is a poem called 'Should you go first', and it is the final verse that always holds the most power for me:
    Should you go first and I remain,
    One thing I'd have you to do:
    Walk slowly down that long, lone path,
    For soon I'll follow you.
    I'll want to know each step you take,
    That I may walk the same,
    For someday down that lonely road
    You'll hear me call your name.

    I pray that God's love and peace will find you where you are, and support you through this time of mourning.

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  81. I don't have the words to say how my heart breaks for you and your family, please know that you and your baby are loved by even those you have not met. James effected my life. Thank you for sharing your strength and faith with us all and we will be praying for you in the weeks, months, and years to come. Jehovah Shalom, amen.

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  82. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family during this difficult time.

    S.

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  83. My heart is broken for you. There are no words to ease your pain....but please know that we are grieving for you and praying for you. Your precious Jamesie will not be forgotten.

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  85. Dear Kara and Matthew,
    You don't know me, but I was made aware of your James and had to comment. He is a beautiful boy. What amazing parents you are to have loved him so completely, so bravely and so fiercely to the very end. I know your love for him will never stop. My heart is broken on your behalf and I am praying for you both.
    I pray Jesus makes his presence very near and real to you both tonight.

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  86. It's barely thinkable what you have gone through and are going through yet I think about you and Jamesie all the time. Many times in the past 2 weeks I closed my eyes and imagined beautiful white light surrounding him, warming him and bringing him comfort. I will never forget you and your family and what your experience has given to me - a greater depth of appreciation and gratitude for my own children. May you somehow find moments of peace and memories that will bring you comfort in the days and weeks to come.

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  87. Praying for you, that God will give you comfort & peace during this difficult time.

    I found your blog yesterday & was so overcome with sadness for what you are going through that I could not sleep last night (I realize this is nothing like what you are going through). I pray people continue to surround you with love and support you.

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  88. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you.

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  89. Thinking of you and your sweet, beautiful little boy. Thank you for touching so many lives and allowing us to get to know Jamesie through this blog. He will not be forgotten. Much love to you both.

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  90. Kara and Matthew - I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Jamesie. You are so right that he found his calling - the depth of love that he created has reached far beyond your family. It is a wellspring that you both have expressed so eloquently and poignantly and I thank all three of you for that. His story, his strength and grace has served to deepen my love for my family and I cherish them that much more. Everyone who hugs their loved ones a little bit tighter and loves them that much more be ardently because of Jamesie will be keeping his legacy of love alive.

    You all have been in my prayers and I so hope that you find peace and comfort.

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  91. :( I am so sorry. I'm a Kara and my husband is a Matthew as well (but he goes by his middle name, Glenn). We've lost both our two babies (our daughter miscarried and our son died in his infancy) and understand the turmoil of where to bury our son and which funeral home to prepare him.

    I wish you weren't in this situation, dear momma and daddy. I blog about our babies and life after them if you'd like a fellow broken heart to commiserate with. http://thedaviesdealings.blogspot.com

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  92. So very sorry to hear about your beautiful son. I am deeply saddened, too, by this but even more inspired by your faith and love during this time. We will continue to pray for you guys!

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  93. I found your blog through another, and I just wanted to say how sorry I am about the loss of your sweet son. You're in my prayers.

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  94. Kara, I am so sorry for your loss. I am a fellow Baylor alum, and found your blog through mutual friends. I just sat here and cried. I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I will be praying for you and your family in the coming weeks and months. I know it isn't the same as holding and snuggling him, but I'm sure James is loving playing with Jesus. It just makes Heaven that much sweeter. I have a friend who lost her daughter, and she started an organization called "Hope Mommies." If you ever need anything, I know she would be an encouragement and help. God bless you!

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  95. A friend of Kara's mom is also a dear friend of mine, Debbie Roth, that is how I came to pray for your family from as far away as Kansas City. I also networked out to many, many friends in Kansas City who also prayed, and are continuing to pray for all of you. You are not forgotten. I have no eloquent words to help you through this, but please know that prayers will continue and I truly believe your son James has left behind more good than you could ever imagine. I just wish you didn't have to suffer such an immeasurable loss. James truly touched my life more than I could ever express to you, I'm so grateful you shared him with all of us. Your son was absolutely beautiful with an incredible spirit...he was also blessed to have you as parents....God created a perfect family in the three of you.

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  96. Hello, You don't know me and I don't know your family but I have been praying for you all for a week now. It is all I can think to do. I felt compelled to write a comment when you wrote my husband and I's favorite poem, the only poem we both have ever memorized. I am truly sorry for the unimaginable loss of your beautiful son.

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  97. The poem is beautiful. You will always carry his heart in yours. Praying from Wisconsin for you and your family.

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  98. I love this poem!

    So Sorry for your loss! I can't even begin to imagine. Your son was beautiful!!! I will be praying for your family!

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  99. Kara, we are so sorry for the loss of your son. My daughter, Tara had sent me the blog that you had posted. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Mike and Cheryl McLarney

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