Empty

Today was the absolute worst day of my life. Those of you who know me well know that I have have been through my share of bad days. But watching sweet James breathe his last breathe was the worst of the worst. I honestly believed until the very end that we were going to get our miracle for him.

I really hadn't considered that James might die until the MRI on Tuesday. When we found out that he had a rhabdoid tumor, I knew the percentages weren't on our side. But I knew that the odds were increasing, and that we had a very successful resection surgery. As Terrible as this was, I asked the doctors how many cases likes James' they treated a year. They said typically 2. I also asked how many they were currently treating. They said 0. In my head, i did the math. It wAs June. I Assumed that they had one other case this year and that child had not lived. I somehow in my head determined that James would be the 1 of 2 that made it. I know it's terrible to think that way, but I'm trying to be honest here.

We knew when we woke up this morning that today would be James' last day on earth. I don't want to dwell on the details- today was long and very different than what we were told would happen. Sweet baby was a fighter until the end, doing things on his own time. Just like he did coming into the world. He wouldn't have had it any other way.

So precious James met Jesus in my arms, while being told how very loved he is by his daddy and I. We told him that we were so sorry he had to be brave and go before us- even though we so desperately wish that we could show him the way. He was so very brave. We told him about all the people who were so excited to meet him there. We told him it was ok to go and join his angel friends. We told him how proud we were to be his parents, and how much we are going to miss him. Oh how I miss him. I know it's only been hours, but I miss him so much.

I want my baby back. My arms are empty. I'm a mommy without a baby. And what does that even mean? I know it's so selfish to want him here, but I would give anything to have him back. Just for a day. Just for a minute.

I take comfort in the fact that James is completely healed. Last night, the tumor was literally pressing out of our baby boys head. I know we haven't talked a lot about that, but it was making his head swell so much. It was literally trying to come out of the incisions that were left after his biopsy, craniotomy, ventriculostomy, and external drain site. Right after James went to be with Jesus, somehow the rumors were gone, the swelling had subsided, and James was made perfect again. I truly believe that God healed his physical body so that we would know his heavenly body had been healed as well.

I held him for a long time after. I knew that it would be the last time I got to hold my angel. And he is at peace now. For that I am so grateful. Matthew and I prayed and thanked God for blessing us with Jamesie for the last 8 months. Although we wanted him to stay, James had a calling so much higher than this earth.

That's not to say I'm not devastated. I feel like I don't even know what to do. And that's ok. I physically cannot even cry anymore tonight. I'm just numb. It's like I'm functioning on autopilot. But the whole world keeps spinning and my world stopped at 3:50 this afternoon.

I'm so thankful to you all for confirming to me that James' spirit lives on. His legacy is so widespread I cannot even fathom its depth. Thank you for walking beside us. Thank you for carrying us.

This poem speaks to me now, and to me, sums up how I remember my sweet Jamesie.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

E. E. Cummings