Saturday, July 16, 2011
Day Twenty Four
I am not ok. I don't even know what ok looks like anymore. I don't remember what that even means. I'm just here. The world keeps moving but I do not. I keep breathing but everything is wrong. Everything is lacking. I keep expecting him to roll back into view, or crawl out from around the cabinet. The house seems too empty, too still.
I know he's better now. I know he finally beat the tumor, finally found peace. I am thankful it did not last long, that he did not have to endure months of treatment doomed to failure, that his illness struck him so quickly it took him before it could dampen his spirit. That he died at peace and in comfort. I am glad he died in our arms, surrounded by our love. I am glad I had the chance to tell him that over and over and over again before the end. We told him it was ok to go. I believe it was ok for him to go. I believe he heard us. I believe he knew how completely he was loved. I am not worried about James. James is fine, fine in a way I've never been. My little boy doesn't need grief, he doesn't need anything. He had all the love he could get.
So James is fine but we are not. We are left here with empty arms and damaged hearts, shadows of the people we were a month ago. There is much to take comfort in, and I do and will take comfort in many things- the profound impact James had on so many people among them. His happiness. How glad I am we were at home. But they cannot replace the part of my soul the rests with him. They cannot smile, laugh, and play peek a boo. They cannot be James.
There is much to do and we will do it. But for now it all seems impossible, even the smallest tasks feel that way. Everything is colored all wrong, everything is off center. The axis around which it all revolves is broken, ruined. I am trying, trying to keep moving. I suppose I will find a way. James did.
Thank all of you for everything, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Many of you have expressed a desire to give to charity on James' behalf, a desire we share. We will distribute information as soon as possible.