Sunday, July 17, 2011

Day Twenty Five

At some point, I have to stop calling these daily updates. At some point, daily is not my situation with James. I do not see him everyday. I do not hear him everyday. I do not play with him everyday. Right now, he's at a funeral home somewhere. I don't even know where. The hospice people suggested a funeral home and I took it. I didn't have time to comparison shop. I thought we'd had the upcoming week to plan, to mobilize, and to prepare. But as with everything on this journey, things simply happened much more quickly than we ever anticipated. The oncologist were ok with starting chemo on Monday. We didn't even make it through the weekend. I suppose I'll write this day as I did the first day. In many ways, the day James got sick and today each mark the beginning of new chapters in my life.

8:30 A.M.: I wake up. Somehow, I'm surprised. Part of me always expected God to take me up on my offer to trade places with James. I lay in the bed staring at the ceiling for an hour. The patterns are more intricate than I remembered. I wonder about James' view from his crib- always lying flat on his back. At least he always started that way.

9:30 AM: I shower. I cannot get the smell of yesterday off of me, no matter how hard I scrub. It's in the pores.

10:00 AM: I make my way out to the living room. One of James' toys, his singing puppy, randomly goes off. We always called it the zombie puppy. Part of me wants to throw it against the wall. The other part wants to fall on the floor and cry.

10:30 AM: Kara and I form a vague plan to go and look at cemeteries. Neither of our families are from Dallas, and we need a place to bury our son. More importantly, we need something to do other than sit in the house and wait.

11:00 AM: We visit the first cemetery. It is surrounded by strip clubs and warehouses. They haven't mowed, and the artificial pond in the front is dry and sad. I am not burying my son here.

11:20 AM: The second cemetery. No fence, and I have to drive past a schoolyard filled with children playing soccer to get there. It shouldn't make a bad first impression but it does. It's more quaint, but too random. Not here, either.

11:50: The third cemetery. Still no fence or shrubs, placed in the middle of a subdivision in the suburbs- two cemeteries actually, one an outgrowth from the original. There is a baby's grave we pass. She was two years old. That seems like lifetime to me.

12:20: The fourth cemetery. Kara's cousin, who drowned at two and a half, is buried there. Her aunt, uncle, and grandparents will be. It is in the country, near Denton. The road to it reminds us of the roads we lived on in Waco- winding and country, horses and imposing houses squatted on two acre tracts surrounding it. It is quiet and calm, peaceful. It is, unlike so many others, a possibility. There is a babyland, just for babies. It's full. I cry just looking at the tiny monuments. We decide we want three plots, wherever we go. One for each of us.

1:45: We visit the Fifth Cemetery. The director/salesman wants to sell us a family plot for 200,000. At the very least, will we consider a flat, not upright, space for 9,950? There is a special on a 6-seater for 79,000. I want to throw him out of then back up over him on the tour.

2:30: Lunch with the family. Campisi's Dallas. I wonder if James would have liked Sicilian, Roman, or Neapolitan pizza. I have so many questions like that. I have no answers.

3:00: We meet with the minister to discuss James' service. They are immensely accommodating, as they have been throughout. We are truly blessed by their support- both during James illness and now. We discuss his service. I find it hard to participate meaningfully, trying to interject what I feel is appropriate, though I have no idea what that means.

4:00: The minister gave us the names of more cemeteries. We're off.

4:30: Cemetery six looks more like a park than anything else. A few benches here and there and garden signs- they all insist on calling them gardens, not graves- indicate that the dead reside here. I suppose it's an option.

5:00: A cemetery in uptown, old and mildly gothic. The kindly old man locking the gates informs us that plots will be given only to those with family already there, or those who can find two plot owners to vouch for them. What does it mean to vouch for a cemetery plot? I feel like I'm interviewing at some sort of bizarre coop board. The kindly old man feels bad for us. He gives us the name of someone to make it happen.

5:45: Cemetery number eight. It's like the combination of all of them- it's weird. Somewhere in the middle of them all. Which makes it not quite right for anything. The tour is a Buick LeSabre, just like the one my grandmother once drove. I wonder how she James, and my grandfather James are getting along.

6:30: Home again. I go to James' room and sit there for a long time. I have no idea what I am going to do here.

8:30: Dinner from Keller's. I should stop eating. I just need something to do.

And now I'm writing. I'm missing parts. I'm missing everything. I know James is fine now. He's healed, better, tossing balls at unsuspecting passerby and laughing when he gets a hit. I just miss the boy.

Thank all of you for your support. It has been tremendously affirming to see how James has touched the world. Your prayers are with us.

71 comments:

  1. My heart aches for your family. I simply can not wrap my head around the last 25 days of your lives. Your son is absolutely handsome (and what hair! Love it). Our prayers are with you!

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  2. I'm sorry for your loss and for the fact that nothing can make it better right now. It's okay to be angry. We are praying for you guys each day.

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  4. You are such incredible people.

    You said in a previous post you are not brave. I beg to differ. I am a hospice nurse, I've seen a lot of death. I've watched many families grieve before and after. You are the definition of brave.

    Thank you for sharing a glimpse of James with us. He is a beautiful boy. Thank you for sharing yourselves with us, you are an inspiration for goodness. My family and friends are keeping you in our prayers.

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  5. We continue to pray for you daily and lift you up.James has forever impacted our lives.

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  6. My heart is breaking for you. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet little boy. Just as you were blessed to have him, he was so blessed to have parents like you. Your strength is inspiring. We are praying that you may find some peace. God Bless you.

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  7. Jamesie's story has forever touched my heart. Thank you for sharing it. His legacy will live on in the hearts of many I'm sure. Praying for God's peace and strength in the days to come.
    Lacey Yates
    Stanley Elementary
    Baylor Alum-2010

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  8. my brother passed away on saturday too. he will help take care of James.

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  10. Thinking about you and your beautiful James all day today. My husband and I are so very sorry and are praying for you guys. Sending you love.

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  11. Dear Kara and Matthew, reading the updates is the last thing I have done, before my husband and I pray and say good night, for the last eight days. I have had tears and smiles and even joyful laughs in the stories you have shared. My husband and I have been careful to read daily so we know how best to pray for you. Tonight we prayed that you continue to feel strength and love in abundance and that our sovereign, loving Lord continue to use sweet James and the faith his wise parents have shared with many. I am in the same Sunday school class with a friend of yours... I know I will never meet you and Matthew but please
    know that we will continue to pray for you. Your brother and sister in Christ , Billy and Alexandria

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  12. I'm so so sorry to learn about your loss. My heart is breaking for you. I lost my little girl two years ago, and I so wish everything had turned out differently. I came over from Angie Smith's blog just now. Sending lots and lots of hugs, prayers and love.

    x fran

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  13. I am so sorry. My heart aches for your loss.

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  14. Praying for your broken hearts. <3
    Thank you for sharing the precious life of your beautiful son with me.

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  15. I am sending prayers for your comfort, understanding and peace tonight. I know words do little to bring comfort at a time like this. I am so sorry. Your son, he was a beautiful boy. Thank you for sharing his story with us. You keep him alive in your heart, and here in this place, where he can continue to touch and inspire people.

    This quote has helped me through some hard times:

    "Refuse to fall down.
    If you cannot refuse to fall down, refuse to stay down.
    If you cannot refuse to stay down, lift your heart toward heaven and like a hungry beggar, ask that it be filled and it will be filled.
    You may be pushed down. You may be kept from rising.
    But no one can keep you from lifting your heart to heaven--only you.
    It is in the middle of misery that so much becomes clear.
    The one who says nothing good came of this, is not yet listening."
    -Clarisse Pinkola Estes

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  16. I just found your blog and spent the last hour and a half reading all your posts from the beginning. I'm sitting in my living room, crying for you (and probably with you). I have no words to say that could possibly make this better even though I would give anything to take this hurt away from you. I cannot fathom what you are going through but your faith in God and His unfailing plan is truly inspiring. You were 100% right when you said in an earlier post that James has a higher calling, and maybe one of the things that comes out of this tragedy is the way God will use this to impact the world. I am so so so very sorry for you and your family and you are at the top of my prayer list - I only wish I could've found this blog a month ago so I could have prayed for you longer. It may be hard but you have to keep going. Try to keep a smile on your faces and let your light shine through. God bless.

    Joshua 23:14 - You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.

    God has a plan for you and your family!

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  17. No cemetery will ever feel right to bury a child. It's just not right. Caskets shouldn't come this size, either.
    Praying for you.

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  18. My heart hurts for you so much. My mind screams and is so mad that this happened and continues to happen. I agree with m.d.l. completely. My thoughts are with you and James, always. {{{HUGS}}}

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  19. My heart aches for you! Tears run down my face reading about all that James and you guys have had to go through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  20. We only visited a few cemeteries when our son passed away. We decided on Ridgeview West Memorial Park in Frisco. http://www.turrentinejacksonmorrow.com/locations.php Praying for you as you walk this terrible road.

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  21. Praying for you dear. May the Holy Spirit give you comfort. I love you.

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  22. My heart is breaking for you. Praying for you.

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  23. Dear Matthew and Kara-
    I have been truly blessed by your story. Your strength and faith amazes me. There are absolutely no words I can say that will make your loss easier, but I want you to know that I am thinking about you and am amongst your many prayer warriors. My Sunday school class is praying for you as well as many others in my prayer group which has hundreds. We in Ohio want you to know that you and James are deeply loved. Thank you for continuing to share your story during this difficult time. Shelley, Chris, Trenton and Lillian

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  24. I, like many, have found my way to your blog and have been reading it every day. My young son and I have been praying for your family each night. This morning when I was reading your post he came in, saw the picture of James with the tire, and said, "God made baby James all better." His statement is so true. God did make him all better. He is healed and at peace. I can not imagine what you are going through and we continue to pray for your family. Thank you so much for having the courage and strength to share your story, it has touched so many lives.

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  25. http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/heather/why-cremation/

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  26. there are no words. im weeping for you and with you.

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  27. I can't imagine what you are going through, and I wish I had the magic words to make your pain go away. I know I don't know y'all personally, but as one Baylor alum to another, please know that my husband and I are praying for you daily. And so is Houston First Baptist's Newlywed Class.

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  28. You have so much strength as you write this blog and I'm thankful you do so we can continue to remember James.

    I awake in the night and say prayers for you before going back to sleep and I will continue those prayers along with so many other people that your family has touched. ♥

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  29. I found your site on one of my internet boards. I feel compelled to let you know that you are both the bravest people. James is blessed to have you as parents just as you are blessed to have James as a son. I cannot imagine your grief but know that there are those in this world who have been incredibly moved by your story and pray for you and your family. My heart weeps for you.

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  30. I am so sorry for your loss. As a fellow mom of an angel, I know there isn't anything I or anyone can say to make things better or to take away the pain you are feeling. But, from someone who is a year ahead of you, please know that things do get easier (not really better, but different) as time goes on. Life gets a little easier to live, the days get a little easier to face and you will find things to laugh and smile about again.

    I am sure that my sweet baby, Drew, will look out for James and show him around heaven.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your sweet James in this difficult time.

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  31. Like a lot of people on her, you story has both broken my heart and changed my life. I am so grateful for your story and the way you are both so open and honest. I will forever remember your brave story and your beautiful boy with his sweet face and head of hair. I am so much more patient with my daughter and so very appreciative of every day I have with her now. I can't thank you enough for that. I so wish there was something I could do or something I could say to take away your pain. I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child, especially such a young, sweet angel. I have been and will continue for your family.

    With love,
    Leah

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  32. ((hugs)) i'm sending you so much love and strength during this time. i remember those 1st few months after Julius passed away. i remember the shock and the intense pain. i remember the throbbing of the hole in my heart. feeling suffocated by the weight of Juju's absence. it's so unfair, and it just angers me so much to hear about your family, another loving, wonderful family, being thrown into this situation of grieving your amazing little boy. know that you have so many people praying for you (though i understand that right now that is probably very little comfort). right now all you can do is take it moment by moment, breath by breath. and that is completely ok. allow yourself all the time you need to feel what you need. i'm so sorry. my already broken heart is breaking even more for you and your hubby. we are the ones left behind, and it hurts like hell. ((hugs)) :'(

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  33. I know it doesn't mean much but there is a family in Germany who is praying for you. James is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and considering I have 4 kids whom I love with all of my heart, that is saying a lot. I know that there are no words I can type in this space that will minimize your sorrow but I wanted you to know how far James' legacy is reaching. Much love to you during these hard days...

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  34. I found you via Jamie Sinton who posted the link to your blog. I've been reading since Saturday night and my heart is broken for you. I'm glad that you continue to write, I hope that it's somehow cathartic. I can't imagine what you're going through but my thoughts and prayers are with you. Your little man is an angel and you two are amazing for just making it through the past few days. Hugs sent from CT.

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  35. James has forever impacted my life....a complete stranger thousands of miles away. I continue to pray for you. Thinking of you in PA.

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  36. I will not forget James - that is the only thing I have to offer. My heart grieves.

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  37. I found you through a link on Meg's blog and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss - I've gone back and read so many of the posts and have tears running down my face. My heart breaks for you all. I will be keeping you in my prayers.

    Cxx

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  38. I started reading your blog just before the weekend when it was sent by a family friend. We immediately started praying for you and your husband and of course, baby James. We prayed that the Lord would heal him. But we knew that if Jesus chose to take your little one home, it would be in His perfect will and in His perfect timing. We'll never have an answer this side of Heaven as to why He chose to take your son now. But please be reassured that His will is PERFECT and your little one is in the arms of Jesus now. We lost a little one last year and knowing that our precious Logan is in Heaven and that we'll see him again gives us such a sense of peace. We pray that you will come closer to Jesus through this experience - it seems impossible to comprehend now, I know. We will continue to pray for you as you go through your days. Much love - The Aldermans

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  39. Thank you so much for sharing your story of baby James with all of us. I have grown closer to Christ by praying for your sweet family, and for that I am forever grateful. Please let us know how we can continue to spread the light that James left behind. Not only was he a precious blessing to your family, but he has given us all a gift through his courageous fight and peaceful surrender. May God give you peace and comfort during this time.

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  40. I have spent the entire morning reading your previous updates and looking at photos of your beautiful baby boy. How blessed the three of you have been to have each other... I am holding your family in my heart and in my prayers.

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  41. I only came across your blog a few days ago. I was praying for baby Jamesie ... hoping that God had a miracle in store for you. I am so very sorry that your beautiful boy was taken from you. I am confident that you will see him again someday. God has big plans for you. Someday you may be able to comfort families going through the same thing. You may be able to lift them up in their time of need... because you know what it's like to go through it. I will continue to lift your sweet family up in prayer. Rest in peace and comfort now, sweet James.

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  42. Dear James Daddy and Mommy,
    You are such eloquent writers amidst your intense pain. I am so so sorry for your enormous loss. I don't know much, but I know James is in HIS everlasting arms and hope you feel comfort in that. Lots of love to you and your family,God Bless and know your son is safe and loved by God and he touched many hearts. He was so beautiful. CR

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  43. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I have tears in my eyes and my heart is full for you and your family. I am so truly sorry for your loss. Sending love and comfort and grace your way.

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  44. Weeping with you and praying for you now.

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  45. My heart aches for your family. I will be praying for you all!

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  46. I'm a baylor law grad who came upon your blog through mutual facebook friends. i'm training for my first marathon and often dedicate miles to family and friends, thinking about and being grateful for them to get me through the high mileage. Yesterday i dedicated my miles (18 of them!) to you all and your beautiful son. I thought about all of the qualities of God that he expressed in your presence and continues to express, because we know that death cannot separate us from the love of God and we know that we are all reflections of God and His qualities. As the temperature rose and the miles became more difficult, particularly that last mile, those expressions of strength, courage, beauty, and love carried me. May you see reflections of God's love in the difficult days to come.

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  47. First, I'm speechless and won't pretend I have any words fitting for what you're going through. My sister-in-law posted about your sweet James on her website(angiesmithonline.com). She lost her Audrey just hours after birth. I have no first hand experience with what you are feeling but I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have four children 5 and under. Lately I have dealt with everything from broken glass to cleaning poop off the walls of my 3 year old son's room. I have had it up to my eyeballs. Then I read some of James' story. Smacked me right off my pitty party. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for the late nights, sick kids, poopy walls, that smell that always seems to be on you and just can't figure out what it is. I love it all! I treasure it all! God has been so good to me and today I was reminded of that. Thank You!!!!

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  48. The story of your Jamesie has touched my heart like no other story of loss has. My friend said it best when she said "their family is our families". My heart breaks for you because I can easily insert my name into your story. You love your Jamesie like we love our CJ. You love the Lord like we love the Lord. Why God chose you to bear this cross and not others, I don't know, and it may not be revealed to you until you are reunited with Jamesie in heaven. Since reading your words, and sympathizing with your pain, I have held my baby boy so much closer. I have taken for granted how blessed I am, but you have reminded us that we don't know what tomorrow holds. For you, I hope tomorrow holds peace and warmth from the Lord. Thank you for sharing your perfect angel baby Jamesie with us. - kodi

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  49. Though I also do not know you personally, I am so moved by James's incredible life and by his bravery. What a gift you have been given. I cannot thank you enough for sharing his heroic story so that we may all be inspired by James's courage. I pray for you now, that you may know God's infinite grace and that you may find comfort in knowing that James is now in all of our hearts.

    This is a poem which has brought me comfort in the past. This poem came to mind as I read your latest post and as thought about James's role, once as a perfect angel of this earth and now an angel residing in the beloved presence of his maker. I pray it helps to ease your pain.

    Do not stand at my grave and weep
    I am not there. I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow.
    I am the diamond glints on snow.
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
    I am the gentle autumn rain.

    When you awaken in the morning's hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush.
    Of quiet birds in circled flight.
    I am the soft stars that shine at night.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry;
    I am not there. I did not die.

    You are in my prayers.

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  50. Kara & Matthew
    You're such an inspiration! I know that more than anything you'd rather not be and have your sweet baby James back. If I had words to express how I hurt for you....I'd share. There simply isn't a way to say it.
    I'm overwhelmed by the sadness of your loss. As a mom, there is no greater fear than to lose a child. I will never understand how these things can be. I trust God and believe that His love covers everything. Even a broken heart. What a beautiful boy and what a sweet mama & daddy that has provided him with every need. I'm saying a prayer for you both as you walk through these next few days.
    If I were there....I'd hug you tight. But since I'm not, please feel the love all the way up in Indiana.
    Stay strong. God bless you.

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  51. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
    Melissa

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  52. Because I too have lost a son, I have an inkling of the pain you are experiencing. Its unimaginable, I know. But I also know that with time, it will become a little less acute. There are no words I can offer, just know that you are not alone. There are so many family members, friends, and strangers like me who are lifting you up during this sad time.

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  53. I am incredibly moved by your honest and loving words for your son. I cannot ever image facing such a horrific thing but I hope you know that you are in my thoughts. It may not be much comfort but please know you are not alone and your family is loved.

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  54. James has touched the world, and his beautiful smile will forever shine down. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing a glimpse of his life with us.

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  55. So sorry for your loss, praying for your precious family. Much love from Arkansas.

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  56. I can't imagine having to look for a spot to bury my daughter, I don't even know where I'd begin. You two have to be one of the strongest couples I know (even though I don't actually know you... you're just friends of a friend, but throughout your journey (if you can call it that) over the past 25 days I feel like I've grown to know you both and James well, even love you all. I've cried, laughed, and prayed like I haven't ever before and I can't help but look at my own daughter and feel even more grateful for the time I have with her and remorseful for you all. I am absolutely amazed by your strength and faith and can only send love and as many prayers as possible your way. I hope you find a suitable home for his sweet little body and that you find some sort of peace in the process. I think it's sort of something you have to numb yourself for, there isn't an easy way to do it. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. You all have touched my life in a way I never thought a stranger could, although we aren't really strangers- you are my brother and sister in Christ. My dad is up there, and I'm sure he's just waiting for his chance to hold James and give him some extra love (he never got to meet my daughter).

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  57. I was referred to your blog by a nurse who took care of my son Ryan in a PICU in KY 7 years ago. He died at 19 months, also in my arms, way too soon. Even this far out, I have not forgotten. I will never forget. Grief over the death of a child is not something you get over, its something you go through, a journey. And thankfully, Jesus has promised to walk that journey with us. And I'm here to testify that He will if you let Him. It's not easy, but He provides the Comforter. There are no words, no cards, no person, that can comfort like our God. Daily find your strength for that next breath with Him. He will not, nor has He, left you or forsaken you. Weeping with you, and praying...

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  58. Please know that your little angel, James, has made such an impact in his short yet blessed time here on earth. As a mother to a 16 month, I can sincerely say that any child of a parent who has followed your harrowing story is now loved and appreciated all the more thanks to sweet little James. He will continue to live on in the smiles and hugs and cherished moments that may have been overlooked without the lesson in appreciation that James so bravely taught with his life. Our thoughts and prayers go out to you as I can only help to smile thinking of the special reunion God holds for you in heaven!!!!!

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  59. I wish, as I am sure all the other commenters have, that I could somehow help you to feel somewhat better. I am praying that you find the peace that only God can give. My brother is a minister who lost his daughter at 8 months. If you'd like his phone number please let me know. He is someone who can help.

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  60. i continue to pray for you all every day. may God bring your strength and ease your heart

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  61. PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. MAY JAMESIE BE AT PEACE WITH HIS HEALED HEAVENLY PERFECT BODY. I KNOW HES UP IN BABY HEAVEN HAVING A BLAST AND WOULD ONLY WANT YOU TO CELEBRATE HIS TIME ON EARTH TEACHING US HOW TO LOVE HOW SHARE HOW TO PRAY AND FOR EACH PARENT TO APPRICIATE THAT TIME WITH THEIR CHILDREN A LITTLE LONGER. I AM SORRY THAT YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH AND MAY GOD CONTINUE TO CARRY YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME. LOVE LIKE THIS ONLY COMES ONCE IN A LIFETIME I AM SO GLAD GOD LET YOU EXPERIENCE THIS TOGETHER AND IN THE SAME TOKEN I AM SO SORRY NO PARETN SHOULD HAVE TO LOOSE THEIR CHILD ESPECIALLY A BABY. LOVE AND MAY GOD BLESS. KILEY

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  62. I agree that there will not likely be any cemetery that feels like the right choice for your sweet son's earthly body to rest. Nothing feels right or OK or even acceptable in your world right now. I know it has been mentioned before but I do encourage you to read "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. I hope it will serve as comfort and reassurance to you that James will be waiting to be joyfully reunited with you someday. My thoughts and prayers remain with you and all those that loved James.

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  63. Thank you for sharing James with me. I have a 9 month old son and my heart aches so very much for you. Reading about your precious son has made me a better mom, and for that, I will never forget and will always be grateful for James. I am so very sorry for your loss. If I cry and think about him often, a stranger who never met James, I can not imagine what it must be like for you. You are in my prayers.

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  64. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  65. We are praying for you and your family. Our son was born just 9 days after sweet James. I cannot begin to imagine your grief. I am so sorry.

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  66. God bless you,your family and your sweet angel!

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  67. i've thought of you so often since i came across this blog a few days ago, and my heart is heavy for your loss. he sounded like a true angel when he was alive - and certainly now that he has passed. i hope you find the strength to get through this and to love each other as much as you loved james. xoxo

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  68. I found your blog this morningfrom inthiswonderfullife. I have read the whole thing today. Reading it made me ache so much for you. I don't even have words to say how sad I am. You and your family are in my prayers. Your little James seemed like a truly incredible light for the world.

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