One hard day down, who knows how many to go

Well, I made it through my birthday.  I still feel so guilty for having a 28th birthday and James never had one.  Maybe I will feel like that every year?  I'm not sure. It's hard to think about spending another birthday without him.  Or another day without him for that matter.

I keep seeing this commercial.  It's for the American Cancer Society and it's Ricky Martin singing Happy Birthday.  Makes me cry every single time I see it.  (Maybe the part I should be crying about is that I actually saw Ricky Martin in concert...in Salt Lake City...with my 75-year old (at the time) grandfather.  Random much?!)

I am really dreading the next few weeks.  I feel like everytime I think about Jamesie's birthday, I have a slight panic attack.  I just honestly don't know what to do.  There is an event at the zoo that we will probably go to.  And then I guess we will go to the cemetery?  Last month on his 11 month birthday I took balloons to him.  One of my friends' sons had a birthday a few days before and she had gotten balloons for his birthday.  And it hit me that I had never bought him balloons.  He was never old enough to get one at the grocery store, or at a store in the mall.  So I had this overwhelming urge to get balloons and take them to him.

The balloons stayed there for a day or two.  I don't know why I needed to give him balloons.  Half the time I have no clue why I do anything.  I just keep thinking about what I was doing this time last year.  Last year I was huge and pregnant.  I was nervous/anxious/excited/filled with hope.  I was so ready for James to get here, and according to my count of when I wanted his birthday to be (October 3rd), he was already late.  October 3rd I was full-term, so I thought that of course he might as well come early and see the world!  Of course he didn't.  October 23rd rolled around and still no James.

I don't know which is worse- knowing that I never spent July17th through October 28th with him, or reliving the time between October 29th and July 16th.  Because I think about how this time last year I didn't even know him.  I didn't know his sweet smile.  His gorgeous hair.  His laid-back personality.  His love of the boobie.  His preference to be fully-clothed as opposed to naked for the first 6 months of his life.  How he slept through the night at 6 weeks old, and was fully swaddled until he started consistently rolling over at 3 and a half months old. 

I guess I'm about to find out which one is worse.  Living in a world full of daily James memories, or living with the days that there are no memories from that day.

I think accepting that this is going to be a rough month is part of it.  I'm just trying not to fight it.  It's going to be rough.  And eventually it will be over.  And then we'll move to the holiday season which is going to be extremely hard too.  Sometimes the thought of everything that is coming up is just so overwhelming. 

So if you'd like to make a donation to Jamesie's fund in honor of his Birthday, or if you would like to donate giraffes to children who need a smile, let me know!  I have an exciting announcement about the future of Jamesie's giraffes coming soon.... for a sneak peak head here!

And THANK YOU again for just reading my random thoughts.  Which they always are.  I'm grateful for those of you who care enough to read my ramblings....and for some reason it really helps me to process things!