The day he was born was scary. James was making D-cells and his heart rate dropped from 150 to below 60 bpms with my 5 minute long contractions. When the 20 ish medical people came rushing into the room to run me down the hall for my emergency c-section, my prayer was "Lord, protect my baby. Please just let him come. Please just let him be ok".
As the doctors introduced me to the NICU team that was there just in case, I prayed, "Lord please don't need the NICU team. Please just let him come to me."
And once he was here my prayer was "Thank you Lord. Thank you for a healthy, beautiful baby. He is my perfect blessing."
So my various prayers throughout the middle part of his life focused on his development, his happiness, that I could be a good enough mommy for him. That James and I would be taken care of, that we could get through anything. We had some rough spots over the middle to get through. But I was so thankful for him. He game my life meaning.
When James got sick, my prayers were, "Lord, please make my baby better. Please stop his stomach from hurting. Please let him get over this bug" And when I found out that it wasn't a bug, that it was a tumor, it was "Lord, please give us the absolute best doctors. Give us the best nurses. Please let them get all the tumor. Please don't let it be a rhabdoid". And then it was a rhabdoid.
So then I prayed, "Lord, thank you for allowing the doctors to get most of the tumor. Please let the chemo work. Please, please let the chemo work".
And then we never got to chemo. And so my prayers changed. Instead of "God, please heal my baby", they become "Lord, please take my baby. Don't let him be in pain anymore. Please don't let him suffer any longer than he has to. Please, just don't let him hurt anymore."
Looking back, I can't believe I prayed that. I know that it was the right thing to pray; I still can't fathom it. I can't believe that I was in a place where God receiving my baby was my hope and prayer.
So now my prayer is "Lord, please take care of my baby. Please let someone rock him when he needs to be rocked. Let someone play with him when he wants to play. Let someone love him as much as I love him. Please make sure he knows how much I love him. Please tell him how much he was wanted. And how I so much wish I could be there with him. Just take care of him until I can. Please."
Surely there are special people in Heaven that take care of the babies until their mommies get there, right? (And I know everyone keeps telling me to read Heaven is for real- which I did. And sorry to disappoint everyone but I hated it. No judgment- if it helped you, great.)
Sometimes I think about why some people get miracles and other people don't. And honestly I'm jealous of the people who do get them now. It's not that I don't want them to get their miracles- because I absolutely do- I just wish that James had gotten one too. I wish I had gotten one. I think it's just another part of life that I just have to accept- there doesn't seem to be a reason why or why not.
I didn't struggle with the Why question at first, but it is definitely something I think about alot more now. It was so easy at first to just say that sometimes things just happen and you have to accept them. But accepting them is so hard.
It almost seems harder now than it was during those days at the hospital. I think at the hospital I still had hope, I still had a purpose. Now, I feel purposeless. And when James was in so much pain, it was, in a way, easier to accept that he was going to go be with Jesus and he wasn't going to hurt anymore. I don't feel like I even had time to think about what life would be like without him here. What that would look like. What that would mean.
And so now I can look back and doubt every decision. At times I can block out the pain he was in, and just remember when he would laugh or smile at something funny. Or play the "Let's put my hand in Mommy's mouth" game. Or sing Baby Legs or one of our silly sound songs that we made up. And then it all seems so very cruel.
So I think the only thing I can hope now is that God is taking care of my baby. Surely, out of all my prayers, that will be the one he will choose to answer, right?
Kara -- I just posted on my blog this week how I couldn't understand how anyone could ever wish for time to pass more quickly with their child. You just totally made me eat my words and put it into perspective. I wear my giraffe necklace almost every day. My son calls it "Mommy's James Giraffe." Such a reminder to be thankful for every moment.
ReplyDeleteI'm not married, nor am I a mother, but you write in such a way that you are able to express your feelings to someone who in no way can truly understand what you are experiencing. When I read your updates, I am able to enter in to your experience for just a moment and try to bear some of the weight of your sadness with you. Truly, my prayers are with you and your husband and family.
ReplyDeletethinking of you and Jamsie ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteHe is holding him and loving him every second of the day.
ReplyDeletepraying...
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here with tears in my eyes not knowing what to type. I wish you had gotten your miracle too. Jamesie was such a beautiful baby and he was sure lucky to have you as his mama! You did all the right things even though I know you question things you did. You are amazing. Yes, I truly believe that our Dear Lord is holding Jamesie tight and keeping him safe until you meet again. Hugs and prayers always for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteKara - I truly feel for you. I went through a similar succession of prayers when my son was sick, and after he died. Now I pray to God to look after him for us til his dad and I get there. I ask Him to tell our boy we love him, we miss him, and we can't wait to see him again.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the reasons the "Why" question is so hard is how extreme the situation is. It seems impossible that one human could be singled out for the depth and breadth of hurt that comes from losing a child, while others will live their whole lives and never come close. I struggle with that aspect, among others. I'll never understand, but I pray for acceptance and peace. I may never get there, but maybe praying gets me a little closer. Peace to you and your family.
Oh how this post made me cry. When you pray to God for someone to rock James when he needs it, that just tore at my heart.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure they tell babies in Heaven to run and hide and their mommies and daddies are there in what is the blink of an eye to them. If only time could go faster for you until you see beautiful James again.
Hugs, you're in my thoughts and prayers as always.
I haven't cried this hard since I read James died. I simply don't have the words to tell you how much my heart aches for you.
ReplyDeleteI know time in heaven is different than here on earth. James won't be without you for long.
My dad died in 2007 so he will never get to meet my children. He was also a James and was pretty amazing. I bet he's having a blast playing with your James.
Praying for you and your family.
Praying for your family. I am so, so sorry. I love the beautiful picture of your son napping.
ReplyDeleteGosh, he is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteKara - Just wanted you to know that I say a special prayer for you, Matthew, and James every Saturday on my morning run. Once I have run for about thirty minutes, I usually end up at the neighborhood park, where my running trail curves around a little pond, a playground, and then finally, a cul-de-sac. In a section of the cement, someone has etched their name before the cement ever had a chance to dry. It reads "Kara." I love running by this spot, because it's God's way of reminding me to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteToday, I prayed for strength in your marriage. I also prayed for God to sustain you while you wait for the glorious day when you will be reunited with your son in heaven. I picture your baby giggling a lot up there and I know he's a proud boy when he looks down at Mommy and Daddy. Keep fighting the good fight and running the race!
Dear God, Please take care of baby James. I will pray this with you every day.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you. What a beautiful boy he is and always will be.
ReplyDeletePrecious picture,as always. Precious child forever. I cry again, I pray again. I think of you EVERYDAY!
ReplyDeleteKara, please know that you absolutely have a purpose in God's plan. You may not know what it is at this moment, but He surely does. You were the precious mom James needed while he was here and your next purpose will become clear as you continue to seek Him. Continuing to pray for you and send healing wishes your way...
ReplyDeleteKim :)
Thank you for giving us the words to pray. You are such an amazing mom. I don't think there has ever been a more loved child than James. I just love all the pictures. You gave him so many special moments. We continue to pray, and pray boldly that God would step into this situation and make sense of something that makes no sense.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Kara... we are still praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteMy wonderful mom died of brain cancer when I was 18. To this day (I am 35) when I hear of a crappy mom on the news, or in the school where I teach, I wonder why my GREAT mom had to go and these crappy moms get to live and screw their kids up. One thing I can tell you for sure? My mom LOVED babies and young kids. I can guarantee that if ever there is a baby in Heaven that needs to be rocked, cuddled, or played with, Mom would be up to the task with joy. In fact it gives me peace just picturing it. You are such a good mom to Jamesie and you are so brave to share with us as you make your way down this awful road that nobody wishes to travel. Grace and peace to you.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I've made prayers like this often.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps sometimes when I read of a young mom passing away I instantly think of all of the little ones that need playing with, loving on. It's funny you should write this as I've often thought it too.
For me, it does help to think that there is someone up there loving on my baby boy until I can get there myself. It really really does.
Kara and Matthew,
ReplyDeleteOur family thinks of you and prayers for you all the time. I wish I had some sage words of wisdom to share with you, but it all comes out sounding trite, for there are no words that will heal your hearts. Please know you are all loved. James is and was an extraordinary baby boy. Much love, prayers, and hugs.
"Oh child of my womb and fruit of my desire, it was pleasure to hold the small cheeks in the hands, it was pleasure to feel the tiny clutching of the fingers, it was pleasure to feel the little mouth tugging at the breast. Such is the nature of women. Such is the lot of women, to carry, to bear, to watch, and to lose."
ReplyDelete-Alan Paton from "Cry the Beloved Country"
I stumbled across your blog a month ago or so. This weekend I was back visiting Dallas (where we lived for 3 years), and as we approached the giraffe exhibit and my friend said "Oh look a baby giraffe!" I said "It's Jamie!"
ReplyDeleteI told her the story, and we both got all teary, thinking of you and your sweet boy.
I have no idea what you are going through and all the emotions you are feeling...but I wanted you to know that others are remembering your sweet boy and sharing his story.
Much love to you.
I promise you that if I dont beat my cancer, {which was found because of headaches, ct scan, brain tumor metastatic, Aug.18, 2011, primary lung}, I will rock him and play with him. I have a 2 year old Granddaughter, so I am very good at it.
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