Monday, October 10, 2011

One hard day down, who knows how many to go

Well, I made it through my birthday.  I still feel so guilty for having a 28th birthday and James never had one.  Maybe I will feel like that every year?  I'm not sure. It's hard to think about spending another birthday without him.  Or another day without him for that matter.

I keep seeing this commercial.  It's for the American Cancer Society and it's Ricky Martin singing Happy Birthday.  Makes me cry every single time I see it.  (Maybe the part I should be crying about is that I actually saw Ricky Martin in concert...in Salt Lake City...with my 75-year old (at the time) grandfather.  Random much?!)


I am really dreading the next few weeks.  I feel like everytime I think about Jamesie's birthday, I have a slight panic attack.  I just honestly don't know what to do.  There is an event at the zoo that we will probably go to.  And then I guess we will go to the cemetery?  Last month on his 11 month birthday I took balloons to him.  One of my friends' sons had a birthday a few days before and she had gotten balloons for his birthday.  And it hit me that I had never bought him balloons.  He was never old enough to get one at the grocery store, or at a store in the mall.  So I had this overwhelming urge to get balloons and take them to him.

The balloons stayed there for a day or two.  I don't know why I needed to give him balloons.  Half the time I have no clue why I do anything.  I just keep thinking about what I was doing this time last year.  Last year I was huge and pregnant.  I was nervous/anxious/excited/filled with hope.  I was so ready for James to get here, and according to my count of when I wanted his birthday to be (October 3rd), he was already late.  October 3rd I was full-term, so I thought that of course he might as well come early and see the world!  Of course he didn't.  October 23rd rolled around and still no James.

I don't know which is worse- knowing that I never spent July17th through October 28th with him, or reliving the time between October 29th and July 16th.  Because I think about how this time last year I didn't even know him.  I didn't know his sweet smile.  His gorgeous hair.  His laid-back personality.  His love of the boobie.  His preference to be fully-clothed as opposed to naked for the first 6 months of his life.  How he slept through the night at 6 weeks old, and was fully swaddled until he started consistently rolling over at 3 and a half months old. 

I guess I'm about to find out which one is worse.  Living in a world full of daily James memories, or living with the days that there are no memories from that day.

I think accepting that this is going to be a rough month is part of it.  I'm just trying not to fight it.  It's going to be rough.  And eventually it will be over.  And then we'll move to the holiday season which is going to be extremely hard too.  Sometimes the thought of everything that is coming up is just so overwhelming. 

So if you'd like to make a donation to Jamesie's fund in honor of his Birthday, or if you would like to donate giraffes to children who need a smile, let me know!  I have an exciting announcement about the future of Jamesie's giraffes coming soon.... for a sneak peak head here!

And THANK YOU again for just reading my random thoughts.  Which they always are.  I'm grateful for those of you who care enough to read my ramblings....and for some reason it really helps me to process things!

20 comments:

  1. Hang in there, Sweet Kara! I pray for you each and every day!

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  2. Kara,
    I don't ever know what to say, but I just wanted you to know that I pray for daily and many days multiple times a day. I don't know you personally but if I did, I would give you a big hug right now, no words, just one big tight hug. So today, my prayer for you is to recieve a hug from the Lord and from your loved ones.

    Hugs

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  3. sending you lots of love. i understand your "random thoughts." i'm living them myself. wed marks the 1 yr anniversary of my son's passing. and i've come to realize that just living every day without him is worse. but throughout this yr i have gone from thinking more about his death to remembering his life. right after Julius passed away, a coworker that i never had many encounters with opened up to me and told me that he also had lost an infant son. he said something that has stuck with me ever since. he said that the only thing he could promise me was that i would never forget the 4.5 months i spent with Julius. i think those were some of the most comforting words i have ever heard. the holidays i know will be difficult. last yr was our 1st without him, but i was still in so much shock, i can't even remember them. so this yr i know will also be difficult. i think of you, Jamesie and your hubby often. and pray that these days are as gentle as can be on you guys.

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  4. My sons 1st birthday would have been September 19th. He died in January. The whole month was just awful. But, by the Grace of God, I made it to October. Try not to have any expectations. I thought I was prepared and was sooo wrong. Now, I'm into the this time last year weeks. 16 of them. Not enough. Praying for you.

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  5. praying for you!! i heard addison road's 'this little light of mine' today and immediately thought of sweet james, as i'm pretty sure i always will. and you can bet every time i think of him or hear that song, i will stop what i'm doing and pray for you both.

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  6. I am so glad to hear about Jamesie's Giraffes! I work with someone who attends church with you and his daughter goes to daycare there. He told me about the giraffe collection awhile ago and happily delivered my donation for me. I never heard anything after that, so I'm glad to hear that the giraffes are bringing joy to others.

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  7. I am glad you both continue to write. I know I don't know either of you, just heard your story through a mutual friend, but I will continue to read as you continue to write. You still inspire me daily and not a day goes by I don't say a prayer for your family.

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  8. Praying for your family. I don't know you, but am constantly drawn to reading your words. I have no understanding of why things like this happen, but, I continue to pray for peace for your family. I am praying that you feel the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding.

    Your son was so beautiful and had such a lovely smile. I really enjoy hearing the stories about him and seeing the wonderful pictures of him. Thank you for continuing to share with us.

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  9. Hugs and prayers always.Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Jamesie was such a sweetheart!

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  10. It does help to write it out. The Firsts, as I call them, are the hardest. They are endless, with the birthday being one of the most brutal. You'll conquer them all one at a time. Thoughts and prayers are with you. I think of the three of you all the time.

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  11. Do you know the song by Mercy Me called Bring the Rain? Just a random thought. I am glad your birthday is gone and done. I will be praying extra hard on all month.

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  12. Know that on these days that seem long and endless, so many people have you and Jamesie in their thoughts.

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  13. Sending you lots of love and hugs!!!

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  14. Hello Cara,
    I have never posted before, but have followed your story and prayed for you and your family. I had to share this story with you:
    In my town another family has lost a precious angel. Her story is some what similar to James'. Gabby was 5 when she was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor on Memorial Day of this year. She lost her battle this September 11. Sunday would have been her 6th birthday. Her family had the most amazing birthday party and life celebration on Sunday evening open to the public. THey had crafts, ice cream, and face painting for an hour prior to her life celebration. THis was the most moving thing I have ever seen. (Her website is getwellgabby.org, there are links to facebook which has some video of a moving balloon and lantern release). Tangled was this little girls favorite movie and they recreated the last scene of the movie releasing balloons filled with lights and a lantern at the end of her service.
    That is not the main reason I am writing...in addition to the amazing celebration of their daughters life, her parents encouraged others to do "random acts of kindness" in honor of their daughter on her birthday. I did some of my own, her parents went to Build a Bear and paid for several children's bears that day. Perhaps doing some random acts of kindness, and encouraging others to do so on James' upcoming birthday will give you something to smile about on that day.

    I wish and pray that you can enjoy some happiness soon...

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  15. Bless your heart. I don't when I've seen a cuter baby. Have peace with knowing James had the love of a mommy.

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  16. I've been following your blog for a while now and couldn't bring myself to go back to previous postings until tonight. I just read about your hospital journey and the two days you had with him at home, and the pain I feel for you is unbearable. Absolutely physically unbearable. It's making me nauseous right now. Life is so unfair. I'm so sorry.

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  17. Still reading and still praying and grateful that you are still sharing.

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  18. I found your blog on another friends page and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing each and every thought that you have while dealing with the loss of your precious baby boy. Many thoughts and prayers continue to go out to you and your family.

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