Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Late Night Thoughts

Most days I think to myself, "How was I ever a mother? Most days I feel like I can't even take care of myself, so how did I ever take care of someone else?

I'm crying alot now.  At the beginning (or the end, I'm not even sure what is the beginning now.)  Maybe I just mean right after James died, I hardly cried at all.  Now I cry several times a day.  Sometimes in the car.  Sometimes at home.  Never in class, though there are several times that I have had to bite my cheek so hard to keep the tears from coming.  You know what I mean?

Last week in genetics we were studying gene deletions.  That's what caused the brain tumor.


This is a diagram of what Chromosome 22 looks like.  (One part of the pair I mean).  22 stands for chromosome 22.  q means the "long" arm of the chromosome.  If it were on the short arm, it would be a "p" instead from the French word petite.  1 is the region, and 1 is the sub region.  2 is the band.  Do you see 22q11.2?  Do you see what a tiny part it is?

There are 1.092 genes located on chromosome 22.  There are 32,185 genes located in all 23 pairs of chromosomes we as humans have. 

I still cannot believe because of one tiny gene deletion my baby died.  I can't fathom it.  It still seems impossible.  Out of the 32,185 genes that we know of, why did this ONE have to be deleted?!  Seriously blows my mind.

Sorry for the genetics lesson.  I just find this fascinating.  Lots of cancers are caused my various gene deletions and mutations.  Several brain cancers, some breast cancers and a host of other cancers can all be traced back to gene deletions.  The gene deletions are usually tumor suppressors that make your cells stop growing when they are supposed to.  The basic difference between a cancer cell and a regular somatic cell is that the cancer cell doesn't stop multiplying when it should.

So I guess I have been thinking alot about gene therapy and how do you stop genetics?  It seems to me like you find a way to fix the genes, you cure cancer.  Pretty much all cancers.  Should be simple enough, right?

Ok enough about that.  I feel like all my blog posts are my random end of the day thoughts that are swimming in my head.

This month is going to be a hard month.  I always knew October would be hard.  I keep getting this magazine in the mail- It's called like "First Birthdays" or something like that.  I've received it 3 times now.  Everytime I get it in the mail I get all upset.  The other day there was a Parenting magazine, the First Birthday magazine, and a Pottery Barn Kids in the mail.  Rough day.

My birthday is on Saturday.  I remember last year I was just praying that James wouldn't come on my birthday- he could come any day but that day.  Now I just keep thinking, if he had come early, (or on time), would I have been able to spend an extra week or two with him?  Or would the tumor have taken him 2 weeks earlier?  Or if he had never come out, could he just have stayed safe in my belly forever?  Because I would gladly keep him there.  I'd stay pregnant the rest of my life if that meant that no tumor ever came to get him.  Which is crazy to think, I know, but it's that bargaining stage.

So now my birthday is coming and the last thing I want to do is celebrate.  I want to curl up in a ball.  No one could ever give me what I want.  It's not possible.  I want for my world to make sense.  It would make sense if James was here, or if I was with him.  Apart doesn't make sense.  Apart isn't right.  I want my baby.  I miss this sleeping face on my chest, taking his morning nap.  I miss feeling him breathe in and out, and making tiny little sleeping baby noises.  I miss my precious baby in my favorite polo- the one I buried him in.  This is what I picture when I miss him the most.  Always in this little orange and blue stripe polo that matches the one I bought for his daddy several years ago.  That's what I miss the most.  The perfect, sleeping baby who fit so perfectly on my chest, so perfectly in my world, who made my life complete.


  1. Kara, I am sorry. I know there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better. Just know there are a lot of people out there that are lifting you up and praying for you. James will never be forgotten! Hold on to those memories and thank you for sharing them with us.

  2. My heart aches, and I continue to pray for you. I'm sorry for the uninvited guest that came into your sweet family.

  3. I remember how hard my birthday was without Drew here. I had all of these expectations for how great of a day it would be with my 6 month old here to celebrate with me, and then when the day came, he wasn't here. So, for me, it was easiest to skip my birthday.

    I wasn't skipping it because I wasn't ready to turn a year older, or anything like that, I just really wasn't ready to spend a day celebrating anything when I was so sad about my sweet boy not being here with me.

    So, much to my own mother's dismay, I skipped my birthday. I treated it like any other day of the week--and made everyone else do it, too. It was easier for me to try to face a "regular" old day without Drew, instead of having to try to put on a happy face and celebrate, when I wasn't up to it.

    So, I'm not sure if skipping your birthday this year will help you at all, but you should do whatever you need to do. It's your day, so you make the rules. If you want to spend it curled up in a ball, you can... if you feel up to celebrating, you can do that, too. Don't force yourself to pretend to be happy if you're not feeling happy. That's okay.

    Good luck to you as you approach your big day. Just know that James will be looking down on you (and probably enjoying some cake, too)!

  4. ((hugs)) sending you lots of love. this month is going to be a difficult one for my hubby and i too. this is the month our baby boy passed away last yr. we went through his 1st bday in may, and it was so tough. i'm so sorry that you are having to go through this pain. it's not fair. :'(

  5. I am so sorry. To say this sucks is such an understatement.

  6. He looks so sweet in that shirt. Im sorry, once again I dont have any words..I come to cry with you n remember your beautiful boy. I saw a video of a young baby giraffe yesterday..of course I instantly thought of you and James.
    Im so sorry Kara. ......
    The website I spoke of in my last comment had posted this today...How To Grieve....for a lost child..wanted to share w/you..

  7. Kara, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I love that cute polo shirt! What a handsome boy!

  8. stopping by often... staying up-to-date... praying FERVENTLY... hang on!!!!

  9. Your grief and heartache are unimaginable....praying for peace that passes all understanding.

  10. Just want you to know that I am thinking of you Kara, not just today , but always. I talk to Jackie about you often. There are no words I can say to make you feel any better, so I just choose to not post. I hope that makes sense...just know that I love you and am thinking about you always.

  11. I never stop checking the blog, but I haven't commented in a while. I doubt I could be of any comfort, but I think of you and James at least once a day and when I see giraffe items.
    I love that picture of James, beautiful, beautiful boy.

  12. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/06/baby-giraffe-bronx-zoo_n_998510.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl15%7Csec3_lnk2%7C102274

  13. Thinking of you! Just sending love and prayers your way. Livestrong.

  14. Thinking of you. I can't find the words that would bring you comfort, but I do hope you are able to smile and enjoy a bit of your birthday today. I know Jamesie is with you and would want you to be happy today. Sending prayers for you and your family.

  15. Just a note to say I still think about James and when I do I pray for his parents.