Friday, October 28, 2011

Happy Birthday, Baby

Precious Baby,

This is not the letter that I thought I would be writing a year ago. Oh how I miss everything about you- your sweet smiles, your hilarious laughs, your high-pitched talks and hungry cry.  I miss your perfect little thighs with hardly a chunk on them.  Your tiny toes that we used to make Valentine's Day cards.

I hope they are taking care of you in Heaven.  If I thought for a minute that they weren't I would just hop on the next bus up there.  I'm so sorry that I'm not there to rock you or tuck you in at night.  Do they know that you sleep in a sleep sack?  A cotton one in the summer, but now it's gotten cold so hopefully they have switched to your fleece ones.  Surely they know that, right?

I hope one of the many mommies and daddies have made you a cake.  And they hopefully made a tiny smash cake for you.  Oh how I wish I could see you smash that cake!  I remember at your friend Chloe's birthday party I let you try a little bit of cupcake even though you were only 7 months old and I shouldn't have.  You loved trying that frosting!  If I had only known what was coming I would have let you eat the whole thing. 

I wonder if you are walking now- or in Heaven were you already able to walk when you got there?  You were so mobile.  And always so ahead of your milestones.  I thought surely you would have been walking well before you turned a year old.  We used to "walk" around the house all the time.  With you holding my hands, and me standing above you.  You thought it was so much fun to be able to get all the way down the hall to your bedroom.  So fast you were!

I haven't moved your toys.  Your room is exactly the way you left it.  I just keep hoping that maybe one day I'll wake up and you'll just be here again and everything will go back to normal.  There's still so many clothes in bigger sizes that would fit you now.  It's all here, and the only thing missing is you.

I'm surprised every morning when I wake up.  I always think that surely my heart has broken so much that God decided to take me in the middle of the night to be with you.

I miss you so much James. I can't believe that we aren't spending your birthday together.  The first of what was supposed to be a lifetime of birthdays.  I went today to order you some balloons- One big Happy First Birthday Balloon and 8 small balloons for the 8 month birthdays we got.  I don't know what else to do.  It seems silly to get you a cake.  I guess I'm hoping that the balloons will fly high enough tomorrow that they will somehow reach you.

I hope your angel baby friends have fun at your party.  I've met so many of their mommies that are still here.  We all miss you so very much.

Happy Birthday, sweet baby.  A year ago, my life changed in the most remarkable way. I got to meet my favorite person!  And for better or for worse, I am so thankful that I got to be your Mommy.  You are worth every hour of labor, every stitch across my stomach.  You are worth every tear, every smile, every cry.  Even if you had never so much breathed one breath on this Earth, you would have been worth it.  And the fact that I got you for 8 and a half months?  Never has anyone been so lucky as I.

I miss you.  I love you.  I can't wait to see you again.  And the next time we see each other, we'll never have to be a part again.  Happy Birthday, love of my life.

47 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday wonderful, beautiful, precious, perfect James.

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  2. Happy Birthday to your very precious, very sweet boy! My heart continues to break for you so I just keep praying your pain will ease. God bless you.

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  3. Oh Kara, I have been praying for you every single day and I am praying for you more than ever today. Happy birthday sweet boy. Be sure to save some of your cake for your mommy.

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  4. Happy birthday sweet Jamesie! Kara, my heart breaks for you and Matt daily! You have been in my prayers for months now and I knew this day was coming soon and I knew it wasn't going to be easy for you. I hope that you find some small amount of peace in your heart to ease the pain as the days go by and I will keep praying for that for you! So many people fell in love with your baby just seeing his picture and reading about his story! Oh, what a baby!!!

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  5. Happy Birthday sweet boy. Kara, I am praying extra hard for you today.

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  6. Happy Birthday sweet Jamesie. You, your mommy, and daddy are always in my prayers.

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  7. Happy Birthday precious, precious boy!! I am praying for you and your mommy and daddy always! I know that you are always with them.

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  8. Happy Birthday James! Praying for Mommy and Daddy right now!

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  9. It is so unfair James can't be here with you. Happy Birthday, James! Those left behind miss you so terribly much, and even those who never met you, like myself, are thinking of you and your mommy and daddy today.

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  10. Happy Birthday to Jamesie... to one of the most charasmatic dancing-eyed boys I have ever layed eyes on... even if only online.

    I'm sorry you are sad, and no bottle would be big enough to collect all of your tears... I can only imagine the ache you feel because it is oh so very evident the "cherish" you carry for him... I will offer up a smile to your birthday boy when I look up to the Heavens today... and I will offer up a prayer for his mommy & daddy...

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  11. Happy Birthday James!!! Lots of hugs and prayers today and always...

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  12. Hi Kara, you don't know me. I'm a friend of Casey Kaplan, who works with your husband. Casey told me about your son over the summer, and I have been following your blog daily since then. I have an 11 month old son, and my heart feels like it rips apart when I read about your pain and loss. Your honesty and overwhelming love for your baby shine through with every word. I am so so sorry for your loss. I never met James, but he is not forgotten here in Philadelphia. I pray that you will find some sort of peace...somehow. Happy Birthday to your Sweetest Boy. -Rachel

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  13. Happy birthday sweet angel baby!

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  14. Happy Birthday Jamsie.


    Crying tears with you and saying prayers for you.

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  15. Happy Birthday, sweet James. Thinking of you all today.

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  16. Happy birthday, precious James. I woke up thinking of your mommy and daddy today, how they miss you so much and how we all wish the 3 of you could be together today. You and your mommy and daddy are loved and prayed for each day. Sending lots of wishes and prayers your way.

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  17. I am so sorry. I am praying for you and your family today. My little boy turned one last Sunday and I thought of you and Jamesie so much that day. My heart is breaking and you, your husband, and Jamesie and what you went through and are going through are never far from my thoughts.

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  18. Happy Birthday sweet James! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers today.

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  19. Happy 1st Birthday to precious James!! I continue to lift you up in prayer.

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  20. Happy Birthday precious James! Sending lots of love and prayers to your sweet parents.

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  21. This was beautiful. Happy birthday James <3

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  22. I have been following your blog since July. My family and I have been praying for you since that time. Happy Birthday in heaven baby James! He is having such an incredible celebration there today.
    We have never met, but I am a sister in Christ in Virginia.

    Love, Jennifer

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  23. Kara, my heart just breaks for you and Matt. Dustin and I love you both and are thinking of you and praying for you. We wish James the best happy birthday ever.

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  24. Happy Birthday James! Share some of your cake with my little angel baby...hope he gets to come to your party! I know he would love it :) Praying for your family...

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  25. Thinking about and praying for you guys today. Sending you love.

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  26. Happy Birthday James!! My heart breaks that your mommy and daddy aren't able to spend it with you but I know you're having a blast in heaven with your new friends and yummy smash cake!!

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  27. Happy birthday to precious James. Praying for you today.

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  28. happy bday jamsie! praying for you and your parents daily

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  29. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAMESIE!

    Mommy and Daddy need you to smile down on them extra bright today.

    I know you will. :D

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  30. Happy 1st Birthday Sweet Baby James!!

    Sending tons of hugs & prayers for you both, especially today. Much love from The Millers in Ohio!

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  31. Happy Birthday James. Love and Prayers, Amanda and Sam.

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  32. This is beautiful and made me cry. Many prayers for you. Happy birthday Sweet baby James!

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  33. Happy, Happy Birthday to Sweet Baby James.

    I hope that I'm not overstepping bounds, but I wanted to share an excerpt from a favorite author. You may have read Anne of Green Gables. It's been a cherished book for generations of girls, by Lucy Maud Montgomery. LMM's second son was stillborn. She was a pastor's wife and dealt with crises of faith throughout her life. But, she wrote her own life into a subsequent book about Anne, Anne's House of Dreams, and I think she did so beautifully regarding her thoughts about Heaven. Anne's first child lived only a day. Afterwards, she spoke with a family friend:

    "Oh--dreams," sighed Anne. "I can't dream now, Captain Jim--I'm done with dreams."

    "Oh, no, you're not, Mistress Blythe--oh, no, you're not," said Captain Jim meditatively. "I know how you feel jest now--but if you keep on living you'll get glad again, and the first thing you know you'll be dreaming again--thank the good Lord for it! If it wasn't for our dreams they might as well bury us. How'd we stand living if it wasn't for our dream of immortality? And that's a dream that's bound to come true, Mistress Blythe. You'll see your little Joyce again some day."

    "But she won't be my baby," said Anne, with trembling lips. "Oh, she may be, as Longfellow says, `a fair maiden clothed with celestial grace'--but she'll be a stranger to me."

    "God will manage better'n that, I believe," said Captain Jim.

    Later, after the birth of Anne's second child, she spoke of her first:

    "This baby will take Joy's place," said Marilla.

    "Oh, no, no, no, Marilla. He can't--nothing can ever do that. He has his own place, my dear, wee man-child. But little Joy has hers, and always will have it. If she had lived she would have been over a year old. She would have been toddling around on her tiny feet and lisping a few words. I can see her so plainly, Marilla. Oh, I know now that Captain Jim was right when he said God would manage better than that my baby would seem a stranger to me when I found her Beyond. I've learned that this past year. I've followed her development day by day and week by week--I always shall. I shall know just how she grows from year to year--and when I meet her again I'll know her--she won't be a stranger."

    I love the idea that a child is being watched over and cared for in Heaven and growing, but in such a way that you both will know each other perfectly when you meet again.

    I'm sure that Jamesie is not only being cared for and nurtured, but is doing exactly that himself for his angel baby friends.

    You're all in my thoughts and prayers.

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  34. Happy Birthday Jamesie! Continuing to pray so often for your family. I'm so sorry you have to endure this day without him.

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  35. Happy Birthday Darling Baby James!

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  36. Happy Birthday precious James! Kara - Praying for you today and every day that follows.

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  37. Beautiful post Kara. You are an amazing mommy!
    HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY BABY JAMES!!

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  38. Kara,
    Praying for you. I am sure those balloons reached your sweet angel james in heaven. God bless.

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  39. Happy Birthday Sweet Baby James. Best wishes, thoughts and hugs to your loving parents.

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  40. I know it's belated, but Happy Birthday to sweet sweet James. He's having a better party up there than you can even imagine :)

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  41. Happy (belated) Birthday, Jamesie!

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  42. Bless you Kara. May God hold you CLOSE!

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  43. Happy belated birthday Jamesie!!! Hugs and besitos for you sweet baby. God blessed your loving parents.

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