Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Helpful Comments

Since my last post ended up being about things people say that tend to upset me, I thought maybe I should list some of the really helpful things that people have shared with me.  And of course, grief is different for everyone, so by no means does this mean that every person who grieves wants to hear these things.  It's deeply personal, so I really don't want to say these are exactly what you should say to someone who is hurting.  But for me, they helped!
(These are from the perspective of the person saying them)
  • I love James.  I love you.  I miss him. 
  • I'm so sorry that he died.  I'm so sad and wish that it hadn't happened. 
  • I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
  • Let me tell you about the one time James...
  • Acknowledging and remembering when hard days occur.(ie: I know today it has been 2 months since he died and I am thinking about you and James today.)
  • James is/was beautiful/perfect/amazing... (The tense thing still gets me.  It all seems so fluid now.  He is beautiful.  He was beautiful.  I still don't know what tense to talk about him in). 
  • I don't know how you feel, but I'd love to go on this journey with you.  Tell me how you feel and I would love to listen.  
  • When you are ready to share, I'm here to listen.  If you don't want to then we can talk about something else.  And I recognize that the feelings change day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute so it's ok to feel whatever you feel. 
  • You are not crazy.  It would be crazy not to feel like your world has been turned upside down. 
  • Never underestimate the power of a hug!
And of course these are not all of the great things that people have said or written to me.  They are just the ones off the top of my head!  And I am SOOOOO thankful for these comments.  They seriously get me through the day. 

Ok and how cute is the reindeer outfit?  James was 7 weeks old in
these pictures, and I just love the cuteness of the socks too!
I am also so thankful that my dear friends have completely understood that everything changes at any given moment, and are so flexible with me and my moods.  I have been blessed with amazing friends that know sometimes I need to cry, and sometimes I need to laugh.  And none of them expect anything from me.  No expectations.  They are just here to journey with me, however long it takes.  I really don't know how I got so lucky that I have incredible women in my life who truly go beyond the definition of true friendship. 

So a big thank you to all of you out there for reading my ramblings!  I know they are typically sorry!


  1. I always love seeing his hair! So cool!

  2. Kara, I've been reading from the beginning, sending you my prayers, and trying, for many months to find the right words to express my grief and my love to you.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your feelings. In my life, I feel as though God gives me experiences and opportunities to experince growth in my faith, often times through struggles. But, even with this faith, I cried out and questioned God when I heard of James beating his tumor. I wept and prayed and wondered what this could all mean, because surely, surely, it had to MEAN something. There was no way that this beautiful boy was gone, and a wonderful mother lost her child. I think so often, people struggle to have answers and a purpose for such terrible things happening, because it is something that WE need. When really, James' life had meaning, no matter what. It does not need to have more meaning because he is gone. He was whole, purposeful and perfect exactly how he was.
    I am glad to say that I now "know" James and you. I think of him daily and envision his bright and happy face in heaven. Please continue to share stories and pictures so that we may all know him more (I loved the ball throwing video!)
    You have been through more hurt and pain than I could ever imagine. I'm not even sure that my words make sense. But know that I am praying for you, for James and for your healing during this time.
    Your family, and sweet little James are very, very loved.

  3. Again, wonderful comments. I really wish someone would write a book for those trying to comfort others during times of grief. Having listened to well meaning, but very hurtful comments in the past, causes me to appreciate that much more when someone says something that brings comfort. One of the best for me was from a co-worker: "I don't know what to say. It is just horrible. I can't imagine what you are going through." Thank you for sharing. What an encouragement to those who have been a comfort. Hugs from one mom to another, Lisa

  4. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I love seeing all the new pictures of James. He is just so stinking CUTE!!! Every picture makes me smile even though I know he is in heaven and my heart is heavy for you. There is just something magical about James' smile and all that HAIR!!! Prayers continue daily for you and your husband. Keep writing!

  5. Kara - I just need to tell you how helpful this post has been to me. My cousin lost her 2 year old son in an accident on Sunday and I was holding back from contacting her for fear of saying the wrong thing. This post galvanised me to write to her. Thank you

  6. I LOVE Jamesie's Christmas duds in the picture. I am a big fan of holiday clothes and pj's for every occasion for the under 5 set. Every time I come to the blog, I am taken aback by James' beauty in the picture that folanthropy took that is at the top of the page. His eyes are captivating and I can't get over all that gorgeous hair. Very few people can really understand what you are going through but I am so grateful you have wonderful friends in your life with "no expectations" who are there to support you however it is you need to be supported and loved at the moment. Continued prayers for you Kara.