Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Come Back to Me

My last thought every night before I fall asleep is "Come back to me".  It's the first thing I think in the morning when I wake up.  At night, it's usually more of a desperate plea.  That I can't bear the thought of spending one more day without my baby.  Sometimes it's a quiet whisper, sometimes silent, but lots of times it's a cry in between sobs.

Please....just come back to me...one more day...one more hour.  One last kiss.  One last hug.  One last swing.  One last smile.  Even though I knew the last time I did all those things would be the last,  could they have ever been enough?


I know everyone will tell me that "James is in a better place" but that is the very last thing I want to hear.  Although I know he is, the truth is, I want him here with me.

I still wake up in the middle of the night and walk into his room.  I don't know when it will hit me that he's not in there.  I still glance in my mirror when I drive, hoping to catch his reflection in the mirror that was in front of him. Neither are in the car anymore.  The baby bjorn and the grocery cart cover are- I can't seem to move them.  My back seat used to be filled with toys and diapers and outfit changes, just in case.  Now its filled with school books.  Such a short time it was filled with the baby gear.


I still don't understand how it happened.  It's like I can't get my brain around it.  And I just don't understand why it had to happen to my baby.  To my James.  A young girl in one of my classes told me yesterday that she was pregnant unexpectedly and they think she might be having twins.  I mean, really God?  She's going to have two babies that she doesn't really want and I couldn't even keep my one?

C'est la vie, right? Sometimes things just happen.  I still don't think everything happens for a reason.  And I know people are going to disagree with me, and that is fine.


The other day the Lifehouse song "Broken" came on my pandora- which was kind of random because I was on the Adele station and I don't think Lifehouse and Adele are that similar.

I'm falling apart, 
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart 
that's still beating



I googled the song because I was wondering what the meaning was behind it.  One of the band members said that he wrote it after visiting a friend who was very sick with cancer. And I guess that is why it makes sense to me.  

Maybe I will spend the rest of my life thinking that...every night and every morning.  Come back to me.  For some reason I just keeping hoping that one day it will be true. 

22 comments:

  1. Kara sweet,

    I am a devout Catholic. I believe in my loving Father's will. I believe in a plan. I believe in heaven and FOREVER families. I am a pediatric oncology nurse (24 yes). I believe all of this with all of my heart. And with all of that said, there could never be a better place for James than your arms. Never! For me it has never been about God's plan. Why would a loving God plan for a precious baby He just breathed life into to suffer and die before he was 10 months old. I just don't believe that. God knows you were best for James. He CHOSE you for James. He chose you and Matthew from the billions of people on this planet to love James and nurture him and teach him. So no, God never planned for this. On the contrary. He did what He does best and saved James from suffering. When He saw it was enough He said no more and did the only thing He could do. He wrapped James in His loving arms until He can place him back in yours. I know that is not enough. I cannot imagine the pain. I ache for you and I am so sorry. But there is no better place for James than with you and his daddy. God knows that and is holding him safe in the next best place until you join him. God bless you Kara sweet...may you know the peace that passes all understanding!

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  2. My heart continues to break for you! May the peace of our gracious God come to you as you grieve.

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  3. Those pictures are precious.
    This still sucks though and I am just so sorry.

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  4. Kara,

    My heart aches for you. I wish you could have many more everythings with James. He was and is so precious.

    This may not be of comfort, but it was on my heart to share. We have been studying eternity in church lately, and while reading this post it reminded me that although James will not come back to you, you will come back to him. You will have him for all eternity. And when you've been there 10,000 years bright shining as the sun, you'll have no less days to be with him then Webb you first begun.

    Hugs to you my friend,
    Nicole

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  5. Oh Kara, I sit here weeping for you. I have no words except that I am so, so sorry that you have to endure this incredible pain. I don't even know James and I want to reach through these pictures and touch him. I can only imagine how you feel. I'm praying for you here in Nashville.

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  6. Kara,

    You don't know me, but we have mutual friends. My godsister is Jennifer Howard. I have been following you since James was in the hospital. My brother died the same day James did. I found out about Rob and then checked your blog that night only to find that James had gone with him. I cried like have never cried before for both of them. I don't believe either that things happen for a reason. James should still be here and so should Rob. I talk to him every day and every night wishing he would reappear. I need him so much, just like you need James. I can't help but find some comfort that Rob is up there with James. I told him about James a few days before their deaths, and he was heartbroken for you both. Maybe they found each other and are playing right now. I hope so. I have twins. We struggled for 3 years to get our miracles, and my brother only got to see them a handful of times. He was so happy and proud. Now I have to tell them about their angel uncle. They will never know him. I will live the rest of my life with a piece of me missing. I know you understand that feeling. I have told the babies about James, and I am taking them to meet Jamie the giraffe this weekend. I know life will go on for both of us, but the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing just doesn't cut it for me. I want him back. When?? I know it will never come. You are in my thoughts and prayers all the time. I can never begin to imagine how you feel. Just know that I am mourning right along with you. Gone too soon but NEVER forgotten.

    All my love,

    Julia

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  7. Still checking in...Still reading....Still praying....Still so sad and so sorry! Love to youxx

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  8. Soooo awful and how I wish I could take the pain away. The pictures you post always make me smile. May your precious memories help to make you smile more. Hang in there sweet family, always praying for you.

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  10. I have been following James since he was in the hospital. I never met him and I never met you. But we run in the same circles. We have lots of the same friends and my husband and I are both attorneys in Dallas. Our daughter is just a couple months younger than James. I think of James all the time. I feel his absence. We were looking at elementary schools the other day and I thought of James. I thought about how James and my daughter might have been in the same class. I thought about the friendship with James that she never had the opportunity to have. I think they would have been friends. And I am mad. We were at the zoo the other day watching Jamie and just knew that if the world was right, James would have been spending his Saturday doing the same thing. Maybe we would have started talking. Maybe we would have set up a play date. Again, I got mad. I am mad that James was not there. I think about him all the time. And I want to admit something to you Kara, because you are such an example of honesty. I feel guilty that the loss of James upsets me so much. I don't have a right to feel this. It sometimes feels inappropriate. But your son was a powerful young man. He changed the world because he changed so many of us. I do think God has a plan. But I don't think that matters. Even if we knew the plan, how would that help? It's still not fair that James is gone. It's just not. Even if we knew why this happened, we'd still be mad that it happened. Sometimes I start to think of the pain you must feel and I have to stop myself. It's too overwhelming to even imagine. I hate that you are living it. I'm just so sorry. I know it could never help, but I'm just so very sorry. We're still praying for you. And Matthew. And James.

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  11. sweet baby James...what a face.
    blue for you today...

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  12. Still thinking of and praying for you and your family.

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  13. Thinking and praying for your family Kara. You are so strong.

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  14. I'm so sorry for you that he is gone. I hate it really.

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  15. It's okay to be sad that he's gone, and it's definitely okay to be angry about the girl with twins. And even more than that, it's way okay to vent about it here. We all love you and are hurting with you. You aren't alone, even if it may feel like you are.

    Stay strong! Praying for you daily.

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  16. I always think of sweet Jamesie, I got his giraffe keychain and it makes me feel close to your family. I don't know you but my heart aches for your sadness. I know no words can make it any better but know you are very loved and always thought of.

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  17. Dearest Kara, ooh my heart bleeds, as my eyes weep for your ur sweet baby. Long before I started following your blog, I was following another blog..thesphorsaremultiplying.com A young couple who had their first baby girl and she was born too early and had many complications. She lived to about 18 months I believe and then died suddenly. They had another daughter since then but their pain is just as strong as it was the day she left them. I read today a post from Mike, the husband, he said this. "...For the rest of the drive I felt sick to my stomach, flashing back to the horrors of Madeline’s last few days, and it made me reflect upon how changed I have been by everything that happened. There are many ways this is true, but one (small) example is that I am so much quicker to cry now than I used to be. This can be very embarrassing, especially when I find myself crying at the stupidest things like insurance company commercials, top forty love songs, and cheesy movies.

    The cheesy movies are the worst. When I find myself wet-eyed during some lame emotional scene I pray that no one in the theater looks over. Those who do look over likely are amused at the sight, thinking that I am crying over the saccharine scene on the screen, but that’s not why I cry.

    I cry because I miss my baby.

    Grief is such a personal thing that it is hard to give advice on how to survive it."

    I wonder all the time how u are able to be in your home or your car and see all the things and all the memories of when James was w/you. I cant imagine. I cry and hope to come up w/helpful words, but none ever come. He should be in your arms, he was here and now hes gone. Why? How cruel! It just shouldn't be. I dont know how you get by day to day. But please know I hold your hand. I share your tears. The pictures of him in the rocker are precious. He is precious. What a tremendous loss to you. Its just not right. I will be forever sorry!. xoxo

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  18. My heart aches for you... I too wish for one last time, one last hug, one last kiss or "muah" over the phone, one last sleep sleep momma, one last Happy Birthday wish from our girl. She was 15 but oh how I wish for one last time... I feel your pain and heartache and I think of you often.
    Many many prayers for you!
    Georgia

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  19. I have just read several of your posts and, although I can't think of anything to say, I didn't want to leave without saying SOMEthing. Thank you for being so transparent and honest about your feelings and emotions. I wish a million times over that yours was a miracle story and cannot even begin to imagine why it was not. I wonder just how many women read this and relate and appreciate your honesty. As I said I don't really have anything profound to say but I just couldn't leave without letting you know that your story has touched my heart deeply and I pray healing and peace over you and your husbands lives this month.

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  20. I heard the song "Broken" on my Pandora and my heart immediately sent me to check your blog. There will always be a special place in my heart and prayers for your family. I suspect I am not the only stranger that will never go a day without thinking of your James.

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