Please....just come back to me...one more day...one more hour. One last kiss. One last hug. One last swing. One last smile. Even though I knew the last time I did all those things would be the last, could they have ever been enough?
I know everyone will tell me that "James is in a better place" but that is the very last thing I want to hear. Although I know he is, the truth is, I want him here with me.
I still wake up in the middle of the night and walk into his room. I don't know when it will hit me that he's not in there. I still glance in my mirror when I drive, hoping to catch his reflection in the mirror that was in front of him. Neither are in the car anymore. The baby bjorn and the grocery cart cover are- I can't seem to move them. My back seat used to be filled with toys and diapers and outfit changes, just in case. Now its filled with school books. Such a short time it was filled with the baby gear.
I still don't understand how it happened. It's like I can't get my brain around it. And I just don't understand why it had to happen to my baby. To my James. A young girl in one of my classes told me yesterday that she was pregnant unexpectedly and they think she might be having twins. I mean, really God? She's going to have two babies that she doesn't really want and I couldn't even keep my one?
C'est la vie, right? Sometimes things just happen. I still don't think everything happens for a reason. And I know people are going to disagree with me, and that is fine.
The other day the Lifehouse song "Broken" came on my pandora- which was kind of random because I was on the Adele station and I don't think Lifehouse and Adele are that similar.
I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
with a broken heart
that's still beating
I googled the song because I was wondering what the meaning was behind it. One of the band members said that he wrote it after visiting a friend who was very sick with cancer. And I guess that is why it makes sense to me.
Maybe I will spend the rest of my life thinking that...every night and every morning. Come back to me. For some reason I just keeping hoping that one day it will be true.