As I write this, I'm sitting here weeping. My heart aches. I feel like my world is collapsing, and no matter what I do, nothing can stop it.
I was not prepared to hear that the tumor had spread. We have had a rough few days. James has been progressively worse. I knew that neurologically something had to be going on because of the large seizure. They even told us this morning that brain swelling was a possibility, and it was a cause that could not be treated. I knew that the swelling was an option, but I hoped that maybe something like some tumor regrowth in the pineal region (where his original tumor was) was the cause. Some regrowth we could take care of with chemo. Never did I imagine that the tumor would so aggressive in 2 weeks. No one else did either.
My sweet, sweet angel is lying in the ICU crib, heavily sedated. He has a tube down his throat. His eyes are unresponsive. He has a feeding tube and 4 different IVs are going into his port. His heart rate fluctuates any where between 80 and 200 bpm. He's not stable. The only thing that has finally leveled off is his sodium level, which is now in the normal range. Nothing has changed though, so it seems certain that the sodium level was actually an effect of the tumor, and not the underlying cause of the seizures and swelling.
I am broken. I can't imagine my world without James in it. I realized that I might actually spend more time with James in my womb than outside in the world. 40 weeks, 6 days in my belly. 36 weeks, 4 days on earth as of today. James has always been my miracle baby. For as long as I can remember, I would say to him, "How did Mommy get sooooo lucky that she got a James Camden?!" Jamesie would laugh and I would laugh, and we would "talk" about how the other babies couldn't possibly be as good as a Jamesie. I truly am the luckiest person in the world. Out of all the babies God could have given me, he gave me the most perfect baby in the world. He is the most precious gift, and more than I could have ever prayed for. I have said for the last 8 months that I had to have been doing something right to be so blessed to have James. And I am truly blessed.
Matthew and I were talking tonight, and I told him that I think that James must just be one of God's angels on loan to us. As you can see by the pictures, isn't he the most perfect angel? He came out of the womb so incredibly perfect, and has remained so ever since.
I am so, so blessed to be his Mommy. Even if he was only on loan to me for a little bit. But we do believe that God works miracles, and if He chooses to let us have James for just a bit longer, we will be forever grateful.
I don't know what we are going to decide in the morning. I am hoping that at some point tonight we have peace about the situation. I do know that I want peace for James. I want James to be able to have pain-free days and to be surrounded by those who love him more than anything. I wish so desperately that I could take his place. I would give anything to do so. But if I can't, then all I can ask for is peace for his body.
Please keep us in your prayers tonight and the days going forward. Please pray for a miracle. But I know that sometimes the miracle is in that God just couldn't stand to be away from precious James any longer. I know the feeling of longing he must have to be reunited with sweet James. Thank you so much for your continued thoughts and prayers. We cherish you.