Monday, November 25, 2013

Thanksgiving

James and his Uncle Patrick



The above picture is of my brother and James. My father is holding him. The band-aid on James' hand is from one of his last IVs. James has his port in this photo and fortunately he required fewer IVs after the port surgery.

When I wrote that last sentence, I immediately began writing another. My mind spiraled from James' port to the chemo drugs he never needed that it was designed to deliver, to the TPN he did need his last few days alive. From there to me taking each custom made bag of TPN out of the outside refrigerator when he died and tossing each into the trash, unable to look at them lying on the bottom rack, promising a week's supply of food and life for Sikes/James Camden. To the trash can in his room where two years later I found the empty wrappers from the many drugs we did have to give him and my strange, complete unwillingness to throw them away.

The spiraling happens. An involuntary tic, it seizes you and for a moment can take you right back to chilled hospital rooms, saline and morphine. This is unavoidable. I used to think you could avoid it, but that is a fantasy, and not a helpful one. The best you can hope for is management.  In the beginning a detour like that might cost you the day or the week. Over time you can hope to cut that to minutes or hours. The day can survive. You can survive.

In that picture my brother is engaged. Six months after James died, he was married. James was supposed to be his ring bearer. My cousin took his place. A year after he was married my brother and his wife announced they were expecting. Nine months later, my nephew was born. James' cousin is now two months old and mercifully looks nothing like James.

Life moves on. Its rhythm is singularly unmoved by your personal catastrophes. That is difficult to accept when your world implodes, but is absolutely true. There are babies littering my Facebook news feed who were nothing more than a hope or a dream to their parents when he died.

The holidays and the attendant motivation of these parents to monsterize, turkeyize, and santaize their babies in (admittedly sometimes adorable) costumes and outfits always strikes a chord. James had too few holidays. he barely caught Halloween and did not really understand all the fuss about Christmas and Thanksgiving. He spent July 4th in the hospital, though appropriately attired. The boy was always well dressed.

The first round of holidays was the worst. Unbearable almost. The next improved. The spiraling continues but can be contained. The benefit of life going on is that you can go on with it. I will never "get over" James' death, but I can have a life I am proud of with people that I love. I can enjoy them, and enjoy my memories of James. I can sing him Christmas carols at the cemetery because I believe he can hear me. I can hold my nephew in my arms and think not only of my son's death but his cousin's life. It doesn't have to be either/or.

I am thankful for all of that and for James. While I suspect I will always approach the holidays with trepidation, I am thankful that I can look forward to them now as well.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.






31 comments:

  1. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. this is real take it serious, who will believe that a herb can cure ten
      years HIV in my body, i never believe that this will work i have spend a
      lot when getting drugs from the hospital to keep me healthy, what i was
      waiting for is death because i was broke, one day i hard about this great
      man who is well know of HIV and cancer cure, i decided to email him,
      unknowingly to me that this will be the end of the HIV aids in my body, he
      prepare the herb for me, and give me instruction on how to take it, at the
      end of the two week, he told me to go to the hospital for a check up, and i
      went, surprisingly after the test the doctor confirm me negative, i thought
      it was a joke, i went to other hospital was also negative, then i took my
      friend who was also HIV positive to the Dr voodoo after the treatment she
      was also confirm negative . He also have the herb to cure cancer please i
      want every one with this virus to be free, that is why am dropping his
      email address, voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com i want you to email him he
      is a great man. the government is also interested in this Dr voodoo
      thank you for saving my life, and I promise I will always testify
      for your good work you can also add him on whatsApp
      +2348140120719

      Delete
  2. I still think of you, Kara and Jamesie often. It makes my heart smile that you are now in a place that you can look forward to holidays. Thank you for continuing to write and thank you for continuing to share precious pictures of James.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Still thinking and praying for all of you! Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  4. I pray for you often. I hope you continue to find peace and healing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Always thinking of y'all and praying for y'all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. thinking of you guys all of the time. thank you for sharing, still.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Life moves on. Its rhythm is singularly unmoved by your personal catastrophes.

    SO. FUCKING. TRUE. unfortunately.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Praying continually. May you find special ways to hold James in your heart this season and every day.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't know how I missed this post. It appalls, amazes, surprises and impresses me that life can possibly go on in the face of our personal disasters. There is both peace and pain in that thought.

    God bless you, and hold you in His hand with Jamsie.

    DeeDee
    www.KidNeedsAKidney.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. I needed to thank you for this wonderful read!!
    I definitely loved every little bit of it. I have got
    you book marked to look at new stuff you post…

    ReplyDelete
  11. beautiful photo, Jamesie poking at his uncle's face. God bless you, Matthew. worst thing in life, to lose a child.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Please have another baby to love on. James would want you to be happy with more kids.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Still thinking of you. Beautiful post, as always.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I will never stop thinking about James and wondering about how you are. I have often wondered why Kara stopped writing. I hope that she is okay.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You and your sweet family have been on my mind so I wanted to take a minute to check in and remember James a bit more. Thank you for sharing him with us.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Just thinking of you, and knowing your grief is far from over. I pray you have sweet memories that lighten your soul.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Always in my thoughts.....would love to read an update on how you and Kara are doing. Remembering Jamesie always......<3

    ReplyDelete
  18. As goes the internet, you start somewhere and end up completely in a place you didn't expect, which is how I came upon your blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. We, too, are coming up on the 3yr. anniversary of our son's death. Just wanted you to know you're being thought of and prayed for...James is not forgotten. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  19. Matt and Kara, since reading about James' treatment in 2011, I have thought about him regularly, and more recently, he pops into my head when I'm rocking my 9 month old to sleep. I haven't been to your website in quite some time, but something made me think of James in the middle of today, of all days. I hope you can take some comfort knowing that James had a tremendous impact on my life, and that his legacy continues to impact me.

    ReplyDelete

  20. Oh genial, I file on the site, it had been a long time since I was not let tempt! thank you!
    Tours città imperilai del Marocco

    ReplyDelete
  21. ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERB I WAS CURED FROM A TERRIBLE TINNITUS.
    . Is my pleasure to comment on this site and i thank the admin of this site for his/her great work so far. I really don’t know how to thank DR WILLIAMS for helping me get cured for over 20 year of suffering from a terrible tinnitus, my tinnitus started when i was 28 year i thought is going to end one day but even get worse as days went by,i have tried all western drugs prescribed by doctors but to no avail i lost total concentration, even at night i screams even more because the sounds become louder because everywhere is quiet. i came across DR WILLIAMS contact through a headline news on internet about how DR WILLIAMS have help so many people to get cured of tinnitus and so many other with similar body problem ,i contacted him and he told me how to get his herb,few day later he sent me the herbal portion which i take every morning for 21 days, and his medicine was able to restore me back to normal and now am very okay without any side effects whatsoever If you have Tinnitus, you can contact him on his email address drwilliams098765@gmail.com for help

    ReplyDelete
  22. I am 29 years old and have been diagnosed with breast cancer, ease of treatment and a similar story, except for my first acceptance as a rejection of herbal medicine. I was not part of the Perseid movement and did not really build relationships with any of them, I just believed in their operation. I say this because it was during the use of Dr. Itua herbal medicine that I now attest that herbal medicine is real, the phytotherapy Dr. Itua heal my breast cancer which I suffered for 2 years. Dr. Itua herbal medicine is made of natural herbs, with no side effects, and easy to drink. If you have the same breast cancer or any type of human illness, including HIV / AIDS, herpes cancer,Ovarian Cancer,Pancratics cancers, bladder cancer, bladder cancer, prostate cancer, Glaucoma., Cataracts,Macular degeneration,Cardiovascular disease,Lung disease.Enlarged prostate,Osteoporosis.Alzheimer's disease,
    Dementia.kidney cancer, lung cancer, skin cancer, skin cancer and skin cancer.testicular Cancer, , LEUKEMIA, VIRUSES, HEPATITIS, INFERTILITY WOMEN / MAN, LOT OF LOVE, LOTTERY. ITS CONTACT EMAIL / WHATSAPP: info@drituaherbalcenter.com Or drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com/ +2348149277967

    ReplyDelete
  23. I was diagnosed of Genital Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV) in 2015 and I have tried all possible means to get cured, i even visited Some Hospital where they gave me some drugs like Famvir, Zovirax and Valtrex which are very expensive but all to no avail, until i saw a post in a health forum about a herbal doctor from West Africa who prepare herbal medicine to cure all kind of diseases including Herpes Simplex Virus, at first i doubted if it was real but decided to give it a try, when i contact this herbal doctor via his email he sent me a herbal medicine through courier service, when i received this herbal medicine, he gave me step by instructions on how to apply it, when i applied it as instructed i was totally cured of this deadly disease within 12-14 days of usage, if you are suffering of this diseases you can as well Contact this great herbal doctor via his email; Dronokunherbalcure@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  24. Happiness is all i see now I never thought that I will be cured from HERPES virus again. I have been suffering from a deadly disease (HERPES) for the past 3 years now, I had spent a lot of money going from one places to another, from churches to churches, hospitals have been my home every day residence. Constant checks up have been my hobby not until this faithful day, I was searching through the internet, I saw a testimony on how DR agaba helped someone in curing his HERPES disease, quickly I copied his email which is Dragabasolutionhome@gmail.com just to give him a test I spoke to him, he asked me to do some certain things which I did, he told me that he is going to provide the herbal cure to me, which he did, then he asked me to go for medical checkup after some days after using the herbal cure, behold I was free from the deadly disease, he only asked me to post the testimony through the whole world, faithfully am doing it now, please brothers and sisters, he is great, I owe him in return. if you are having a similar problem just email him on : Dragabasolutionhome@gmail.com or WhatApp: +2349074536486 

    ReplyDelete
  25. How I WAS CURED FROM Lungs cancer DISEASE  .
    I never wanted to post this testimony here because i don't want to violates the privacy of this page, but Is so important to pass this information to everyone who has been finding challenges of getting proper cure for Lungs Cancer, Chronic lymphocytic leukemia and Breast cancer   DR OSO medicine is a perfect remedy to all kind of diseases, contact Dr OSO for treatment, my Lungs Cancer of 4 years within the space of few weeks, was cured through Dr OSO remedy. Reach him via email:
    drosohaberhome@gmail.com  
     call/WhatsApp +2348162084839   

           Here is the DR OSO website.
    https://sites.google.com/view/drosohaberhome/

    His blog page https://drosohaberhome.blogspot.com 

    You can also email me for more info about DR oso  via troyabl100@gmail.com   ALL THANK TO DR OSO .  

    ReplyDelete
  26. I want to share a testimony, how i was cured from Herpes by DR AGUGU with his herbal remedy. I don't know where to start, I'm 33 years old and i was diagnoses of genital herpes diseases for 5 years. i lost all hope in life but on like any other i still searched for a cure even on the internet and i saw a comment were a lady testify how she was cured by Dr AGUGU i could not believe it at first, i contacted him, He sent me his herbal remedy i used it for 2 weeks and the Herpes virus was cured completely. I went for medical check and the result was negative from Herpes.
    For those who have the same problem, or any STD should contact Dr AGUGU via email: agugusolutionhome@gmail.com you can also call or WhatsApp +2349123794867

    ReplyDelete
  27. replica bags hong kong her latest blog m8e36j3j96 replica bags australia go to the website c9s47p5w24 bag replica high quality replica bags near me replica bags aaa great site e0c04n6a40 joy replica bags review

    ReplyDelete