Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Three Years

James exploring his Crib





What do you write in year 3? What is there left to say? James died three years ago today, surrounded by his family. He was, in my absolutely biased opinion, likely the best baby in human history. At the very least he had the best hair. He was very loved. His family misses him. Everyday. The wound is not gaping, however. It has scabbed, scarred, and come to resemble something that in triage might be relegated closer to the back of the line than the front. The initial trauma has passed. Coping strategies have evolved. The pain remains, but that is unavoidable. In many ways, the pain breathes life into him now. It is a reminder.
Not a day goes by that I don't think to myself "If James were still alive, then" It's a horrible conditional phrase, one reminiscent of high school algebra or very poor computer programming. The examples are endless:
Some relate to my own decisions, a conditional phraseology that attempts to recreate a now extinguished paradigm:

"If James were alive, then I would not have bought that car." I bought a convertible. It was profoundly selfish.  The car is completely useless. Then again I have no children, and therefore no need for child friendly back seats. Even so, I bought a convertible with child seat anchors. Just in case James happened to drop by.

Some relate to James himself, a profoundly unhelpful exercise with endless possibilities, all of them tragic:

"If James were still alive, then he would be in pre-school." And talking. And walking. And everything. His teeth would be coming in. He would have been four this year. He would be smiling. Growing. Sometimes the details are startling precise- shoe sizes, clothes size. Other times they are more general, e.g., If James were alive, I would know the sound of his voice. One cannot venture far down the rabbit hole. There are no happy endings.

Some days, the most mundane activities can bring it on:

"If James were still alive, then I would need to buy (baby food/diapers/etc.)" Some of these are completely immaterial now. With any luck, James would be out of diapers and have graduated from gerbers. Then again, I don't know what you buy for a our year old. That bothers me more than anything. 

But I think "If" almost everyday, one way or another. I rarely wonder why anymore- that point is moot in my mind- but I absolutely wonder if. In many ways, my entire life turns on the axis of James' sickness and death. There is before, and there is after. I cannot explain my existence in any other context. I would hardly know myself without it.

I talk to him sometimes. Mercifully never out loud. I ask him rhetorical questions, "James, what do you think of that?" I tell him about my day. "Hey James, I saw this awesome post about a hotel that giraffes live in. You would love it." Sometimes I just tell him that I love him, and that I miss him. 

The evolution from crippling sadness and grief, the kind that leaves you disappointed when you wake up in the morning not because you want to die but because you simply have no interest in continuing to be alive, to something more manageable comes in fits and starts, and never along the path anyone promises you. I do not imagine that anyone's path looks the same. I would hope not, because no one's loss is the same. 

I am not healed. I do not want to heal. I want to remember my son fondly and constantly, with joy for the time we had together. His entire family misses him and loves him. We think of him constantly. He is our angel.

For those of you who have made donations to James' fund, thank you. Last year we made a $15,000 contribution to ATRT research being conducted by Dr. Charles Roberts at Dana Farber Cancer Center in Boston. I had the chance to have lunch with Dr. Roberts when he was in Dallas, and he is absolutely committed to his work. Though the prognosis for ATRT remains extremely poor, it is gratifying to know that so many brilliant people are working to create better outcomes. Visit Dr. Robert's lab's site to learn more.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers.

19 comments:

  1. Been thinking of you both all day today.
    Love and prayers, Marissa Carey

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  2. Every few months I go through my list of blogs and clear out the ones that don't post often or haven't posted in quite some time. I never delete yours because I wait to see if you'll update to see how you are doing. I haven't lost a child, but I have lost a parent while still a teenager. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, my father has been gone 13 years and twice a year (his birthday and the week he died) the scab gets picked at and peeled and the wound is raw again. The only change over the years is the wound has gotten smaller, I don't think it will ever shrink so far down that it will disappear but it's not as completely overwhelming and debilitating. This past year I was actually able to work through the day he died without completely breaking down while at work.

    I also find myself playing the 'what if' game. Would I have made the same choices in my college education, would I still have found my way to my current career choice. I also extend it to my brother, would he have married his wife, would I have my niece in my life. It's a killer game to play, but I rather play than not think about him at all.

    Our paths and journeys may not be the same, but I hope and pray that in time you can reach a point similar to where I am. Where not a day goes by you don't think about him, and the pain gets easier to carry on life's journey.

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  3. I think of your family and your son often. Prayers and peace to you... James was such a beautiful person.

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  5. Matthew -
    I haven't experienced your journey fort hand so there is a lot I don't understand, but know you are thought of and prayed for often. I learned of Jamesie and his fight from my cousin, Morgan Black Davis. I asked her about y'all a few weeks back. Know your precious son is never forgotten and his life continues to make an impact. Thank you for being so transparent with us.

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  6. Just want you to know that I still think of James often and pray for you and for Kara. Since James' death, I have lost two children and grief becomes an entirely different journey when it is your own rather than looking through the window at another's. Thank you for giving your grief a voice.

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  7. I still continually think of you and Kara. I check the blog regularly to see if there are any updates. My son is only a month older than Jamesie, and I find myself thinking about Jamesie, when my son is doing new things, or reaching new milestones. You guys are continually in my prayers.

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  8. Out angel James is with us still in our hearts. There will always be a place in my heart that is empty, just waiting to be filled with his love again. We miss you always Jamesie!

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  9. Your boy's hair was really impressive. Great smile, too :-)
    What a wonderful parent you are for keeping him alive in your heart.

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  10. His hair is incredible. I check in all the time to see if you are still updating. Take care, xx

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  11. I'm new here, so sorry for your lost. My Prayers are with you.

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  12. Remembering Jamesie on his birthday today. A precious little jewel who has been laid away for safe keeping now. May you, his parents and extended family, find hope and comfort in the promises of God through the Saviour Jesus Christ. Remembering you all in prayer today.

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  13. Happy 4th birthday, sweet Jamesie! I know you are with your mommy and daddy as they celebrate the day you were born. God please comfort them as only you can as they remember their sweet boy. Prayers for you always!

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  14. Thinking of James, Kara and you, today especially, although many other days as well. I hope you find some comfort knowing that James is remembered and missed.

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  15. Your blog contains so many surprises that I too enjoyed. Thank you for all your efforts.
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    ReplyDelete