Thursday, December 1, 2011

Review


Here's James in his late-period mohawk stage. Very punk. It took months for his hair to get long enough that it laid down on its own.

So I'm going to try something new.

As I've mentioned before, writing in this blog has been cathartic for me. For a lot of different reasons, I'm not big on "sharing." As the quotes indicate, the whole idea is more of a concept than a practice for me. I'm the sort of person who would prefer to give a speech to a room full of hundreds of people than engage in a one on one conversation with another person about my feelings. Presented with the opportunity to talk about my feelings, my natural inclination is not to say a word or better yet to change the subject. I will do almost anything to avoid these kinds of conversation. This is not a strategy I recommend. It is simply my default strategy. I'm in recovery.

If Kara had not started this blog, it is entirely possible that outside of a few clipped and evasive conversations, I never would have said anything to anyone about this. I would have taken it all and kept it to myself, hoped to drown in it some activity or just to wait patiently until people stopped offering to talk about it. I am extremely glad that I didn't do that. Trying to contain something like this cannot work. The substance of the trauma is too corrosive, bottled up it inevitable seeps out of the container and contaminates everything. While I've had my share of setbacks in life, nothing I have experienced before even begins to rise to this level. Losing James permanently altered the fabric of my life in ways I'm still coming to terms with. Changes necessitate new strategies and in my case the shift in strategy has been for the best.

Throughout it all though, this blog has been an important forum. Despite my natural inclination, it's been very helpful to have somewhere to talk about everything, even if talking takes the form of venting, complaining, or rambling.

One thing I've often regretted is that I have not thanked you all for your patience and your support individually. So I'm going to try something new. I'm going to go back to the back to the beginning of this blog and try to respond to your comments. Over the course of the last few months they've meant a lot to me, and it seems appropriate that I respond to some of them. So we're going to give that a shot. This will also give me the opportunity to review what happened. I have not gone over those posts. Often I didn't even read them myself before Kara or I published them. Sometimes I just can't go back there. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.


18 comments:

  1. I too am a person that would rather run and hide, than share or talk about my feelings and emotions. I'm so glad that you have been able to share your feelings through this blog and that it has been a helpful thing for you. I pray that it will continue to help you in your journey. Thank you for sharing with us. As always, you and Kara are in my prayers.

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  2. Every time I see pictures of your son, my heart breaks a little more .he is so full of joy and it makes me so terribly sad he is no longer with you. I pray for you two ofte. Don't know what else to do. Thank you for sharing your selves with us.

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  3. WHat a cute picture! It took our little girls hair about 7 months to even think about laying down! We called her "duck" forever and when the front finally laid down, the back didnt. Always glad that you guys share bits of your love with us, I know he puts a smile on my face as well as many others. Praying for you every single day, and hoping one day you will feel the happiness that your sweet James brought you.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and sweet son with all of us. You both continue to be in my thoughts and prayers everyday.

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  5. I am committed to lifting yall in prayer!

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  6. that is the sweetest head of hair i've ever seen :) such a precious baby! i pray for you both often.

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  7. He simply wouldn't have been James without his hair - just one of many things that makes him so distinctive and darling.

    And thank you so very much for sharing. Your openness and eloquence has touched me. I think about James, Kara, and you frequently and I try to make sure that I cherish my family that much more and am grateful for every moment I get to spend with them.

    I don't know if reading personal memoirs of loss are helpful for you, but, in case, I wanted to mention two books. Although your writing styles are different, I saw many parallels between your writing and Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking and Blue Nights - memoirs of the deaths of her husband and grown daughter. She mentions too, how therapeutic it was to write during her mourning. I'm glad that this blog has been so helpful for both of you. And you've created a whole community who will always remember James and his legacy of love.

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  8. Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings! I think this is such a good outlet to do so. You, Kara and the rest of your family continue to be in my prayers.

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  9. LOVE that picture of James!! It just puts an automatic smile on my face! Thank you for sharing all that you have shared with us strangers. You, Kara and James are teaching us to not take things for granted, to not sweat the small stuff because it really just doesn't matter and to LOVE BIG! I pray for you all daily. Hugs.

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  10. I wasn't blessed with the opportunity to meet James but I found your blog through Twitter, felt instantly connected, and have been reading ever since. I babysat for a little girl named Lucy Weber. She had the same brain tumor as James. Her tumor was removed on her first birthday and earned her wings 5 months later.

    I cannot imagine what you are going through. Please know that you have MANY people praying for you, your wife, and friends and family. Hang in there! Here is Lucy's website if you want to check it out. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lucyweber There is also a Facebook page called Team Lucy.

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  11. I'm glad you're "sharing," Matthew. It is too much to keep bottled up. Women are better at letting it all hang out. I lost my son, and it helped to express my feelings. My husband is in an assisted living facility because he is dying of lung caner. He wanted to go, but now he doesn't want to be there, and I think I'll go insane. Tonight I wanted so badly to share, but there was no one available for me to talk to. Keep writing.

    By the way, both you and Kara write beautifully.

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  12. Research has shown that for most people, sharing seems to make things better. So, I pray for you that this exercise helps make things better. As good as they can be.

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  13. Hoping, wishing, praying that during this season of miracles the knowledge of a babe in a manger and His promise of life ever after calls to mind your babe patiently waiting for you to join him. May you know hope and peace this blessed season.

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  14. What is the biggest holiday in December? Nearly everyone knows that it is Christmas. Popular customs include exchanging gifts, decorating Christmas trees, attending church, sharing meals with family and friends and, of course, waiting for Santa Claus to arrive.
    But how to shop the best gifts to exchange with our family or friends?
    There are a great many products in the market or on the webshop. How to choose the best among them?
    As far as I know, girls like shoes or clothes very much. Among all the shoes, “Christian Louboutin Shoes” are surely the most famous ones. Christian Louboutin shoes are fit for women in most occasions. Even the pop stars love “Christian Louboutin Heels” very much too. They are proud of their red-soled shoes ,which intangibly improve their confidence and taste. So if you are a girl who likes fashion, don’t hesitate to buy yourself a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. Or if you are wondering what to buy for your girlfriend on Christmas, then why not buy her a pair of red-soled Christian Louboutin?
    Lately, “Beats by Dre. ” Headphones sell very well on the website. More and more people like them now. Of course, there are many pop stars like them. Among these pop stars, Lady Gaga, Kobe and Justin Bieber are the mostly listed ones. Monster headphones have special product for these three stars. If you like these three stars, you could choose them. “Heartbeats by Lady Gaga High Performance In-Ear Headphones” are especially for Lady Gaga. They are of three colors: black, red and white. “Monster Studio Kobe High Definition Powered Isolation Headphones” are especially for Kobe Brant. “Monater Justbeats Solo High Definition On-ear Headphones” are especially for Justin Bieber.
    There are many other products to choose on Christmas. I would update more later. Or you could click the keywords below to glance at the certain products first.

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  15. The thing about talking or writing is that it helps get the swirling, whirling, demanding, overwhelming thoughts of 'what if..." and "why..." or "why not.." in some sort of order. Having also lost my son, I find myself drowning sometimes, and the ability to articulate them somehow helps my feet find a solid surface, so that the facts - unbelievable though they are - don't take me away with them.

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  16. My heart continues to ache for you....so much. Continue to always keep you in my thoughts and prayers-how can we not...that lovely head of hair will stay with us forever!

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