Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's Eve


Here's James in one of my favorite cell phone pics of him, a candid James in the bath shot, from near New Years last year (how I wish the photos on my phone were time-stamped).



I never liked New Year's Eve. The fireworks, the lack of purpose, the hollow resolutions always fell flat to me. Always advertised as the biggest party of the year, I long felt I'd been sold a bill of false goods. I spent too many New Year's Eves at home and sick, recovering from one operation or another, nursing jello and resentment for my able-bodied peers. When I grew older, I became more annoyed because now it seemed I'd missed out on the foundational precepts of the holiday. The ball, the kissing at midnight, the countdowns. These all rang hollow to me, celebrations without context.

What after all, is there to celebrate? The year changes, there's nothing novel to it at all, it's not even exact- otherwise we wouldn't need leap years. One more trip around the sun, one of several billion before and several billion to come. Yet lately days have taken on arbitrary meaning to me, the 16ths and the 29ths of the month suffering under the weight of all that has come before. Time passes faster now, sometimes I feel as though I went to sleep one day and woke up six months later. The time we had with James feels so full, and all that came after so brief in comparison, abbreviated by what its relative lack of importance.

Looking back on some of the entries from our time in the hospital and then at home before we lost James, it really wasn't that long at all. Less than four weeks passed between the time when we found out James was sick and when we held his funeral, but that time was filled with so much. So many doctors, plans, and news. So much research into new types of cancer, evolving diagnoses and treatment protocols. Spurts of adrenaline- we have to do this now- interspersed with immense grief. And then, after all of that compressed into one little ball, nothing. It seems like a flash between then and now. Time itself seems split into two segments, there is Before and there is After, with the timeline delineated by a quick stab of trauma.

Perhaps that's why I'm excited to leave this year behind. I'm eager to see 12 on the end of the date instead of 11, because there are so many horrible dates that end in 11 and none in 12, so many days I'd like to leave behind, though I know I never will. Last year we took James to a New Year's Eve party and left early, as James himself quickly decided that he would have little patience for for fireworks and champagne. And Master James had complete decision making authority over all matters relating to the schedule. We made it home shortly before the New Year and it passed with barely a notice, fireworks cracking in the distance, the dogs alarmed. James slept through it all, and so we slipped into 2011 with no suspicions. This year, I intend to welcome 2012 gladly, eager for a better year. Suffice to say, if the Mayans were right about the apocalypse I am going to be very annoyed. I don't have the patience for any more life-altering disasters this year. So I'm eager to say good bye to 2011 and 2012. I just wish that we had James to share it with.

Happy New Year to you all. Thank you for all of your support and your prayers this year, we needed every one of them.

51 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. It feels like a better year. 2012. Full of promise, full of hope and healing. And a year closer to the return of Jesus which means that much closer to James.

    Blessed New Year to you and Kara.

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  4. May we all have a hopeful heart for this year 2012. May the hurt, healed. burden, lightened. The past is just remembered. May God bless us all! and give us a fresh and new courage to welcome New Year.

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  5. happy new year!
    i just read through some posts and i cried all the time, because this blog is so emotional.
    i just wanted to say that my parents went through (nearly) the same. i am 21 years old and i should have a sister who is 1 year and 1 day older than me. she died when she was only 7 months old. my parents couldn't tell me what she suffered from, i guess it was some kind of disease.
    the doctor told my mum that she couldn't get pregnant again, but then i was on the way (healthy!) and i think this was quite a "happy end" for my parents.
    i can't even imagine how it feels to lose a child, so my prayers are with you.

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  6. Doesn't feel like 2012 is going to be different, then, of course, all of the people going ''THE WORLDS GOING TO END'' just because a movie said so. James is a brave little kid!

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  7. Here is hoping for a better year! Hugs and prayers.

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  8. What do you say to a parent that is grieving from the loss of a child, a child who was here for merely a minute in time? Do any of us truly know what is the right thing to say? So with that being said, I will say that, although 2011 was a horrible year for you and your family, here's to hoping and praying that 2012 will allow you to begin to heal, although James will always be by your side and in your heart, find comfort in knowing, that you held him, you kissed him, you told him that you loved him. His purpose in life was a short one and he was such a brave little boy, but his purpose in heaven must have been greater
    May you find blessings, strength, and comfort in the New Year

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  9. I hope that 2012 helps heal your heart a little!!

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  10. Wow he is very sweet!! Hopefully 2012 will be a good year :)

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  11. What à beautiful little boy!! As i read your blog, i asked myself what i should write. I wish you à very good 2012 and all the strenght in the world. I ran a number of marathons for good courses and one for KIKA an organisation for research for quancer specially for children. THE reactions of my sponsors were very hart warming sometimes.
    Friendly regards from Gnoom Ben from Amsterdam

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  12. I have been reading through your blogs. They are poignant and you both articulate so well the emotions and thoughts going through the most difficult circumstances most of us could imagine. There is beauty in knowing that his little ripple of life will have a profound effect on the world even if you never know exactly how. My prayers and best thoughts are with both of you.

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  13. Here's to a brighter 2012 for you both-stay strong and I'll keep praying!

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  14. That is a very positive way of thinking, I just stumbled across this blog, and I really enjoy the way you write. Have a wonderful New Years and prayers to you and your family :)

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  15. http://youtu.be/zXKV78VERio I have already com.

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  16. who are you ? please let us know is wondering

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  17. Happy New year~~

    Look at this!! Is very helpful be okay.

    Click I have already come

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  18. please let us know who want to learn
    Happy new year

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  19. You are healing. I can hear it in your voice. Not forgetting, but just healing. It will be good, you will see.

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  20. It's a good video
    People all over the world a message indicating
    "I already have come" I wondered

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  21. Who the hell do they do that received a??? I wonder ...

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  22. Sometimes I am at loss of any hope to offer, so I will just say that I hope you find more peace in 2012.

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  23. http://www.ihavealready.com/english/video/index.php#
    A message that may change your life....

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  24. My son is on the autism spectrum,...I am praying for you. Stay strong!


    Clint Allerton-autodetaildoctor.com

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  25. I found your blog through Blogger's Blog of Note -- I can't find words to express how I feel, but I'm sitting here crying. Just know that we are all touched by what you have been through, and hope that this year will be a better one for you.

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  26. Happy New year~~

    Look at this!! Is very helpful be okay.

    Click I have already come

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  27. I found your blog through "blogs of note" and just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry for your loss. James is a beautiful boy.

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  28. I also found your blog thru blogs of note. I had my son die shortly after he was born, he lived for about an hour. We knew of problems very early on and he was diagnosed with Potters Syndrome. I remember receiving a Congratulations card shortly after arriving home from the hospital (from my aunt)...it said how wonderful you had him and what a blessing he was while he was here. It was my favorite card. Instead of focusing on the negative it was something I could not even wrap my mind around at the time. I wish to give you this same feeling of a different perspective. Not that it will take any pain away but to see things in a different view.

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  29. Thank you for continuing to write, as well as post pictures of your sweet Jamesie. I love how James' personality seems to shine through the pictures, which is confirmed by the stories you have told about him. I continue to pray for healing and strength for you both.

    hugs, kodi

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  30. It's really wondering imaging

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  31. Who was the person people all over the world are shouting? It is curious just let me know

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  32. What a beautiful boy James is. I just read your previous posts....:-( I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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  33. HALLO friends! we are a brand new website, here you can record your and your friends life.
    BUT, we need a unique cover! will it be you?
    come to our fanpage and leave your photo and story!

    http://www.facebook.com/Annals.me

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  34. Look at this!! Will be change your life. This is very important.

    Click here

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  35. It's an interesting video what provoked to wonder whether

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  36. What it's trying to say is very important?

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  37. Oh, I saw this video first. 'I'm wondering who you are?

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  38. Nice blog, hi friend, i found that there is one website offering free puzzle games. Just take one minute to sign up then you will receive one free puzzle game. Its URL is http://www.684899.com/en/CosmicCreature/project_1.htm Click the below button of the page to get in. I've done it and now i am enjoying it.

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  39. Look at this!! Will be change your life. This is very important.

    Click here

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  40. I saw too well.
    It's a good video

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  41. I found this blog through Blogs of Note also, and I am touched by the story, and saddened by your immense loss and the grief you must feel.

    I have a blog of my own with a positive, inspirational or grateful thought each day for a year, leading up to December 21, 2012. I really hope you can have a look and maybe find some encouragement and strength there. My blog is all about bringing happiness into our lives, and I really hope you find some true happiness.

    Agapé,

    Cambell Baxter

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  42. Look at this!! Will be change your life. This is very important.

    Click here

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  43. Sam: I am hoping for a better year.

    Roeou: I doubt I'll miss 2011.

    Speedy: James is the bravest person I've known.

    Dante's Mom: We were very fortunate to have James for the time we did.

    Life: Likewise.

    Dani: He was beyond sweet, thank you.

    Kabouter: Good luck in continuing with your marathons.

    Sandy Land: We are very grateful for James' impact on people, though it's a mixed blessing.

    Kimberly: I hope so.

    Kelsi: Thank you.

    Toni: We have our moments.

    Susan: Thank you,I hope so.

    Stay at home: There's no need to say anything. I'm looking forward to 2012.

    Auto: Thank you.

    Literary: Thank you for stopping by.

    Alabaster: Thank you for your support.

    jstrom: I am sorry for your loss. There's nothing I'd trade having James for.

    Kodi: Thank you.

    Jessica: James was very beautiful.

    Campbell: Thank you for dropping by. It is good to be positive.

    joung7530: I seriously doubt that. How do I block you?

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  44. Matthew Sikes. If you are offended I'm sorry.
    But I want you to know something very important.
    Please. look at this.
    Click I have already come 1
    Click I have already come 2
    Will be change your life and your familly's life.
    This is very important
    Because Jesus has already come a second time in secret with a new name for our salvation. Pleas hear his voice and carefully study the bible prophecy.

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  45. I've thought it's a important information.
    You're talking like blood in the world people.
    Is amazing.

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  46. It's really important again, who is here, are ya? How do you recognize anyone

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