Monday, July 16, 2012

Anniversary

This is a picture of James as he was the day before he died and on the morning he died. Peaceful, sleeping, and surrounded on either side by someone who loved him. He's adorable. He always was. 

One year ago today, we said goodbye to James. When I think of it, even now, the memories are crisp and perfect. Too perfect. How could it have been a year ago? I remember a thousand tiny, horrible details I'd love to forget that rattle around in my mind, accusatory. I have read of other people who forget the details of the day, whose minds shelter them in some sort of protective haze and render the horrible moments less clear. I am envious. When I think of today, those details are the kind that come to mind first. But they shouldn't be. They represent a fraction of James' life and not even the most important parts. He must have laughed for at least a full day, for instance. Smiled for longer.

I cannot believe an entire year has passed. It seems so much quicker. It seems like he was just here yesterday. The last day seems most vivid sometimes, but that's a phantom, a trick of the mind. The last day is just a milestone, even as the details that run through my mind are punctuation marks to the end and much less significant than the end itself.  Today, I will try to remember all of him. The laugh, the smile, the spiky hair. Today I will remember my son, whom I will always love. I cannot think of any better way to spend today. 

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers and your support over the past year. 

33 comments:

  1. I've thought of the three of you all day today. Praying for you.

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  2. many prayers for a sweet family and a little boy that won't be forgotten!

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  3. Yes, he's adorable. Praying for you tonight.

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  4. You have all been on my mind and in my heart today as you are every day. Still to this day my kids and I will see a giraffe and think of James. I pray for peace and comfort as you are reliving this trying time all over again. I can't believe it's been a year. Thank you again for sharing a piece of your son with us. God Bless You all. Hugs

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  5. Praying for you often and several times today, that God will grant you peace and comfort and renew his mercies each day for you. Your James is a beautiful boy. Thank you for sharing him with strangers and for sharing your hearts.

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  6. Don't begrudge any memory that involves your precious son, whether it is good or bad. James was such a darling little boy; I am certain he left a strong impression on anyone lucky enough to have known him.

    Thinking of your family today and mourning with you your terrible loss while celebrating the joy that was James.

    James was a lucky little boy to have been so loved.

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  7. I've been thinking of your sweet James today, and praying for you and Kara. He looked so beautiful and peaceful in the photo you shared. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you are overflowing with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13). May God richly bless you and Kara with peace that transcends our understanding as you celebrate the life of your precious James today.

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  8. Matthew I have been thinking and praying of you and Kara all day. Thank you for sharing James with us. I've learned so much from you both.

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  9. what a precious baby boy, sending prayers your way.

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  10. I can't imagine the pain you and Kara are experiencing today. I cried and cried reading this just as I did the day he passed. Such sweetness is a baby, I pray it is the blink of an eye until you can hold the sweetness that is James in your arms again. Praying for you, as always.

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  11. I have read your blog for over a year, and cried with many of the posts you post. You are such an inspiration for me. Although you are hurting, and crying, you are still so much stronger than I think I would be. I am praying for you and your sweet wife!

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  12. Praying for you and Kara today and everyday. As many others have said, thank you so much for sharing your sweet baby boy with us. I too will always remember Jamesie everytime I see a giraffe.

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  13. Have been praying for you and Kara without ceasing for the past year and dreading this day as much as possible for you both. I still cry for your loss every time I see a picture of your sweet baby. I know that you are still hurting for your loss and I so wish that you weren't! Matt as much as I love seeing your posts to know that you are doing better, I really miss Kara's and worry about her all the time! Thoughts and prayers have been with you all day today especially.

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  14. Praying for your peace today as James has his. I'm so very sorry you cannot be in the same place, but I hope you can all somehow see Jesus's face today.

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  15. Such a sweet, sweet, precious boy...we pray for you three often and have had trouble finding any words that even seem appropriate for this type of an anniversary. We hope you and Kara were able to rejoice in the beauty of your boy today! We will continue to pray for strength and peace....

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  16. Dear Matthew and Kara,

    This may sound weird coming from someone you've never met - but you are never far from my thoughts and are always in my prayers. I pray you sensed God's presence with you today and that you found His grace truly sufficient. James was so blessed to have you for parents. I know you would have taught him all about Jesus. Now I picture Jesus telling him all about his mom and dad, until you are reunited.

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  17. Dear Matthew and Kara

    James is just so beautiful. I love looking at all the photos you post. I have followed your journey for over a year and admire your love for him very much. I especially admire how lovingly you continue to parent him. I think of him often and I think of you often. I hope you don't mind, but I've sent you a note in the post which I hope arrives. James's journey and your love for him have touched my heart in ways I cannot explain. I am so sad that he is not here. My prayers are with you and Him. He is just precious beyond words. In that photo he looks vulnerable and sweet and gorgeous. I wish you peace and strength. Take care xxxx

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  18. Jamesie was such a gift and amazingly he keeps giving back to so many in different ways. Beautiful child from a beautiful family. Always in my thoughts and prayers. God bless and may He give you guidance and strength on the really tough days.

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  19. Praying for you and Kara, today especially...James will never be forgotten and is remembered often, not just by me and my son, but by countless others. At the Bear Pit, every time we see a giraffe, his light is shining every day in some way.

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  20. He is so precious. Thinking of you.

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  21. Praying for both of you today.

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  22. Prayers. I have checked your blog every day for over a year.

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  23. Matt and Kara,

    I am commenting again...I hope that does not seem creepy to you.

    I just wanted to say that when you wrote of your memories of the day James died being crisp and perfect, it makes sense. Because it was traumatic for you. I cannot even imagine the heartbreak. It is a day that stands out in stark relief against all the other usual days because of that.

    But I think what is so healthy, and so loving of you to do for James now is to remind yourself that his illness was not the totality of his life. He was so much more than that tumor that took him so quickly. And I so respect you and am in awe of you for being able to remember all of James and all of the happy, normal days you and he shared.

    Anyway, your James has really affected me. He will never be forgotten by me. Thank you so much for sharing him.

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    1. I wanted to comment again too- not to be weird but just to say when I think of him, it is his whole life, not just the last few weeks. You inspire so many people. Thankyou.

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  24. I read every post you write. I always type out a reply, but most of the time I delete it because what could I possibly say to make you feel better? I just want you to know that I think about you, Kara, and James often. He is simply beautiful.

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  25. Matthew and Kara,

    On Mnday July 16 th my mama had several massive seizures. She has had seizures her whole life due to a head injury as a child. These were bad, she was in ICU for a few days. On that dark Monday night after we had finally stabilized her I found myself in the chapel saying my much used Rosary. Sang the Rosary has always been an enormous source of comfort and distraction. I thought of James and the both of you. I said the Rosary again. My mama knows your heartache. She bured my brother at 6 yrs old after a grueling 4 yr battle with leukemia. It was utter againy. It was years before I remember her smiling again. She is home now and doing well. I so wish that had been James' story. Tomorrow I leave for my annual week as head nurse for a camp for kids with cancer and their families. At the end of the week we have a candle lighting ceremony and tree planting. Last year I lit and candle and wept for yur beautiful James Camden. I will do the same this year.

    I hope that you are starting to clear the fog. I won't lie, in both my personal and professional experience the Secon year is harder. But you will survive, what I hope and pray, beseech God for another beautiful child to choose you as it's parents. I believe this will happen. I pray it brings healing to your fragile hearts.

    God bless you.

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  26. always thinking about you. prayers said <3

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  27. Finally saying hello and I'm thinking of you, your wife and James. I've been here reading since last fall, and have been so touched by the story and life of James and by his Dad's very talented writing. Many thoughts are with you. B

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  28. Remembering n thinking of James everyday! As well as you and Kara of course! Praying for you.

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